Ephener of Mind

I Have Issues

2011-02-05T23:41:00.003-06:00

With! With the following things. I know you're shocked.

1. That Office Depot Commercial. Specifically:

Now here's the thing. I think it's a good commerical, and I'm heartily amused by the TV announcer who announces that "it's time for baker death match." I only wish the producers of this commercial would have treated us to some footage from this show, but of course it's better in our imaginations than it could ever be in real life. So in retrospect, I guess it was a wise decision.

Here's my issue, which you of course saw coming: The coworker suggests that she should go on that show. Now, it ends up working out just fine for her, as we learn afterwards, but it's Baker Death Match, people! Isn't he concerned about the danger to her? Let's put this another way. If there were a TV show called "Music Teacher Death Match," oh, alright, I'm not going to pretend that I wouldn't want to go on it. I would be so totally there. But I wouldn't want one of my students to suggest that I go on it!

2. Today, as you surely recall, was the epic rematch of Northwestern University vs. Illinois in men's basketball, televised live on CBS for your viewing pleasure. Northwestern won, which was awesome of course, and very exciting at the end. Luka Mirkovic ended up pulling down a clutch freethrow right at the end which allowed the 'Cats to win the game. Fantastic. But I had the following issues with the telecast:

Said Mirkovic' face guard, which I realize must be because he had some kind of injury, we'll say to his nose, earlier, but it still looks ridiculous.
The commentators' commentary on that selfsame face guard, in which they also wondered if maybe, sometime in the future, some kid will come out on the court wearing a helmet. I'll answer this: for his sake, I hope he doesn't.
They treated us to a shot of the band playing, specifically the saxophone section, coming back from commercial. I know they were saxophones because I a) am a music teacher and b) have lived on this planet for more than one hour. The voiceover during this shot of only saxophones? "Well, the percussion section's ready!" Uh, also, to the altoist who was standing all the way to the right of the frame (which would have been towards the left of the row), you need to at least look like you don't hate your life when CBS puts a camera in your face and you're consequently on national television. Just FYI.
They kept referring to Illinois as NU's "big brother." What criteria are they using to determine this? Size of student body? Check. Goodness of basketball team? I'll allow it, if we're thinking historically head-to-head. Age of university? Not so much. General awesomeness? I think you know the answer to that one. Okay, so in retrospect, I realize that the commentators aren't so outrageously off-base in this assertion, but it still bothers me.
Oh! And then the announcers had the audacity to suggest that NU has basically no chance to go to the tournament this year. I wish I had a direct quote on this, but I didn't write it down. Because I was too appalled that they would say this. Thanks for the support, fellas.
And then, as soon as the clock ran down, they got the you-know-what off the air. We didn't even have time to celebrate! It was like, "[buzzer] Okay, and that's the final score, Northwestern wins here in Evanston. Coming up next we have [name of sponsor] golf tournament from [somewhere]. Thank you for tuning in to college basketball." Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. I still don't feel like we have closure!

I Am Not Making This Up

2011-01-16T21:44:00.003-06:00

Nor could I--I can't use photoshop well enough. I was having my car serviced the other day, like ya do, and I noticed the following flowers sitting on the table in the waiting room:

Yes, children, what you see here is real. We have green and purple flowers. They are real flowers, not fake. And as much as we here at EoM love purple, having graduated as we have from [university from which we graduated, whose school color is purple], we find green and purple flowers to be, well, creepy. Thoughts?

Only A Matter of Time

2011-01-15T00:33:00.003-06:00

Given that the school colors at [school where I now work] are Red and Grey, and that we could use some new astroturf on the football field so everyone will feel better, I'm extremely heartened to see this on Yahoo! news. Here's the picture:

Now all we have to do is raise millions of dollars.

There is No Civility

2011-01-11T21:20:00.003-06:00

Yes, yes, we recently got back from a trip to Dallas to see the Northwestern Wildcats lose to the Texas Tech Red Raiders. That's old news. Campells' Condensed version of the story: too few cowboy hats, too few points scored by the Wildcats, throroughly enjoyed seeing some people I haven't seen in quite some time, had some enjoyable barbecue, went to the Dallas Museum of Art and saw mourners, hopefully Dan Persa will have a speedy convalescence. Interestingly, there are two #7s on the team, and after this game both of them are injured. Note to Pat Fitzgerald: how about nobody gets #7 anymore? Great!

Now, on to the important matters. Has everyone seen this?

The Heavy "Dooty" Championship? Really? And why is one of them Asian? And am I the only one who, on first seeing this, thought that the second and third contestants had tattooes? And why are audience members recording this on their animated cell phones? And why, after the first contestant does his, uh, business, do the judges look amusedly at each other, shrug, and then give their scores? It makes me think that they don't have a very codified system of scoring going on. What kind of crooked game are they running here anyway?

Is this not what everyone else thought when watching this commercial? How about this: This is the grossest commercial since that toilet paper company started running the ad series that features bears lamenting when there are pieces left behind. I know you've seen them. Interestingly, I was horrified when I first saw this, but if you read the comments on the (several) editions of this commercial on youtube, you'll see that not everyone is.

"So, They Saw You Nekkid?"

2010-12-30T14:39:00.003-06:00

They say that you always need a good hook to any, uh, thing, and we here at EoM hope that this title served such a purpose. Of course this quote was overheard at the airport after having gone through the security checkpoint. This gem of a quotation was not said to us but to the woman who went through the full body scanner behind us, by a young lady who was traveling with her whom we can only judge to have been her daughter or servant. Most likely, daughter. When answered in the affirmative, she followed this up with, "I think that's creepy.". She's not the only one!

Which is why we're writing this post! Because, believe it or not, this blog is not simply a vehicle for me to comment upon the wardrobe choices of Olympic athletes, nor is it, in the words of my friend Tom, no more than a way for "blowhards to shout into the internet" (Actually that was directed towards Twitter, at which point another so-called friend of ours told me that it was for that precise reason that I should get involved with Twitter.). In addition to all of this, we also feel the need, once in a while, to comment on things that matter, like this furor over the enhanced body scanning techniques currently in use at airports. Do you remember, out there in Readerland, when certain lunatics tried to get everyone to boycott the scanners on the day before Thanksgiving, to show how terrible these things are? We do.

After having just gone through such a scanner for the first time (and no, I'm not going to comment on whether I think it was appropriate for me to have been singled out to go through this scanner as opposed to the regular metal detector, thank you very much), I have a message for the people who are opposed to these measures as being an "invasion of privacy": You need to get over yourselves.

I also have a message for the proponents of this kind of scanning procedure as a perfectly reasonable part of keeping our homeland secure: At what point will we be giving away too many of our personal rights and privileges in order to stay safe? How much is too much?

What Is Up With...

2010-12-22T19:25:00.005-06:00

1. The song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"? I know I've talked about this in a previous post, but the line "scary ghost stories" still baffles us here at EoM. Why, pray tell, are scary ghost stories appropriate for Christmas? I mean, I know in Europe Christmas is a darker holiday than here in [country where we live], what with Knecht Rupprecht and all, but it still seems a little weird. This mystery is not helped by the fact that we saw the following at the Christkindel Market this year in [city where we live]:

A Christmas decoration themed with--you guessed it!--ghosts. It was made of wood and looks like it should be hung on a wall or in a window, but in the spirit of multimedia web-based publication, we did not take a picture of it with our phone's camera when we saw it.
German Christmas ornaments that include jack-o-lanterns, devil ducks (complete with horns and colored red), and the devil himself.

2. Ugly Christmas Sweaters? I mean, look, I'm a big fan of celebrating the season with what I wear: I have approximately 15 Christmas ties which I bust out starting the day after Thanksgiving. And there are some sweaters that are cute and interesting and celebrate the season. Then there are the ones that are grinch green and have fur trim around the collar, which I am not making up. But in this season of Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties, to which I wore one that has patriotic snowmen holding American flags and comes complete with elbow patches, I think it's time to wonder: why are there so many ugly Christmas sweaters that Ragstock can have five complete racks of them? What was their original purpose? Did people think, at one time, that this was a good idea?

3. All the perfume commercials on TV right now? I swear, it seems like I'm watching the Perfume Channel. Every commercial break I'm lambasted with commercials for J'Adore, Beautiful, that one with Britney Spears, uh, some other celebrity, does Mariah Carey have a scent? There's the one with the sailor who has a one night stand and the woman comforts herself by sniffing his pillow, and then it's for two scents, one for a man and one for a woman? The only one that seems to be missing is Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds. "These have always brought me luck." But I have faith that Liz will make her appearance here before long. She'd better; Christmas is in four days.

Updat'd!

2010-07-02T00:29:00.002-05:00

1. Can we just talk about how crazy Wimbledon is right now? Yes, I know you say that's not technically an update, although I would argue that it is, since Wimbledon is ongoing at the present time. But I digress.

Roger Federer is out. And I say good riddance. Apparently I don't like athletes that are good at what they do (cf. Michael Phelps), but we'll talk about Venus and Serena later.
Venus Williams is out. And of course, as soon as she lost, the press immediately started asking her if she thought it was time to retire. She said no, because usually she "rocks and rolls" at this game, and as long as she continues to do so, she will not retire. Well, at least she's modest about it.
Serena Williams is still in. Lineswomen, look out! Call ye not a foot fault on Serena's service, lest a tennis ball be thrust down thy unsuspecting throat.
Kim Clijsters and Justine Henin are both out. They also both a) are Belgian and b) (also, arguably more importantly) came back from retirement at various points in the recent past. I think Clijsters came out of retirement just so she could win Wimbledon. Or maybe that was Henin. Anyway.
Andy Roddick is out. Big shock there. People, if I've said it once, I've said it at least seven times: Andy Roddick isn't that good. Every time I've seen him play, he's either almost lost or actually lost. Even matches that he was supposed to win easily. And whom did he lose to this year? I don't even remember!
The Bryans are out. Wait, who? I know, this may be the most shocking news of all (wait until the next bullet point though)(don't read ahead!). They were the number 2-seeded men's doubles team, and they have lost. There's a rather entertaining picture of them on the Wimbledon website, but more importantly, I feel like they're the most dominant men's doubles pair right now, even though they weren't seeded number one. But in my mind, they're like this generation's Woodies.
Three words: Isner versus Mahut. Did you not watch? Did you not hear about this? Did you not hear about how the match was played over the course of three days? Three Earth days? (Are there no prisons? Are there no work--sorry. Got carried away). And did you not hear that, in the fifth set--which, per Wimbledon rules, cannot be decided by a tiebreak but which must, like all other sets, and regardless of how long it takes, be decided by the margin of two service games--these two players toiled until Isner won 70 to 68? Games? When it usually takes 6 games to win a set? Well, you missed out. Although, sadly but as predicted, Isner was so exhausted by this historic ordeal that he promptly lost in the next round.

2. I actually took a moment to read the article in DIE ZEIT ONLINE that includes the Vuvuzela Konzert from the last posting, and it's hilarious! Anyone out there in Readerland who understands a smattering of German, as I do, should also read it and enjoy. Or you can translate the webpage using Babelfish and have it make no sense. Better would be to search for a suitably funny vuvuzela-themed internet news posting, in which they discuss seriously the musical potential and performance problems of this tiny cheap plastic instrument, in a language that you can understand. Go in peace.

It Was Only a Matter of Time...

2010-06-25T20:38:00.006-05:00

...Before EoM posted again? Well, perhaps, but actually we're talking about the vuvuzela, that inimicable symbol of the 2010 World Cup. Of course all of the readers are probably more aware of said device than we are here at EoM, but what can you do.

I was fascinated by this thing when I first heard about it. Specifically, my questions were as follows:

1) How do you play it? Yes! Forget not, my little chickadees, that I'm a music teacher. So of course once I wikipedia'd it and saw that it looks like a brass instrument, I was of course struck with wonder at whether in fact it is played like a brass instrument. It seems that it is:

http://www.zeit.de/kultur/musik/2010-06/konzerthaus-vuvuzela

Can we just talk about this for a second? First of all, it's out-of-control awesome, especially if you understand German. Alright, second, I know that most of you don't speak German, which in and of itself is deplorable. Let me translate the important parts of this for you: THEY'RE PLAYING BRAHMS 1 AND RAVEL'S "BOLERO" ON VUVUZELA. We have Uwe, Stefan and Helge (as far as I can tell by listening) and they are professional musicians--AND, according to what he says, "together, we are the Vuvuzela Group of the Berlin Concert Orchestra." Take a moment: The Vuvuzela Group of the Berlin Concert Orchestra. (Which, also, makes me wonder: whose idea was this? Was it theirs? Or did the management of their orchestra in Berlin decide that it was time to get their name out there a little? I choose to believe that these professional musicians, Germans no less, decided of their own volition to get all dolled up in their white tie and tails, like as unto a performance of the orchestra with which they regularly perform, go out onstage, and demonstrate this instrument for the internet masses--I think you'll agree that this is funnier.) Other things of note: their vuvuzelas are painted patriotic German colors, naturlich. But if you listen carefully and follow their narration in a language you can't understand, you'll see that the vuvuzela is, in reality, nothing more than a tiny and difficult to control Alphorn. Which, of course, means a) that Brahms 1 is the logical choice of music for them to play in it, and b) that you can get the notes of the harmonic series out of it, which, of course, means that you can actually play it as if it were a musical instrument. However, the difficulty with which these professional musicians were able to eke out the Alphorn theme (it's not a coincidence, people!) to Brahms 1 should tell us how difficult this instrument is to play properly, which goes to explain 1) why we only hear people play what I can only assume is the fundamental pitch of B-flat and 2) why we have yet to see this important instrument's debut in the modern symphony orchestra. But we here at EoM have faith that Michael Daugherty is already working on something to feature this exciting new world instrument.

Honorable mention also goes to Stefan (that would be the guy in the middle), for the totally overwrought and artsy way in which he holds the vuvuzela while playing it--sehen Sie seine rechte Hand aus (yes, I realize my adjective endings are terrible--get over it). I also enjoy that they all hold it correctly, with the left hand on top. As if it were a woodwind instrument. Work with me here, people!

2) Will we see this at, say, American sporting events this summer and fall? It's probably too late to introduce the vuvuzela to baseball this season, but we at EoM have high hopes for the collegiate football season this fall. We can only hope that they're handing out vuvuzelas at the home football games at our alma mater, [name redacted] University.

Gross

2010-03-11T20:20:00.002-06:00

No, not 1:05-1:10 of this, although of course that's what we all immediately think of when someone says, "gross." Nor does it refer to 1:55, where Beatrix tries to drown Elle in the toilet.

Rather, let's just talk about what I've had to eat so far this week. Because as everyone knows, blogs are simply ways for people to be self-absorbed. So here we go.

Monday
Breakfast: Coffee
Lunch: Ramen, two slices of a giant iced chocolate chip cookie, pizza, Coke Zero
Dinner: Giordano's deep-dish pizza

Tuesday
Breakfast: Coffee
Lunch: Ramen, turkey sandwich, Coke Zero
Dinner: Stir-Fry with rice, Vitamin Water (XXX)

Wednesday
Breakfast: Coffee
Lunch: Ramen, microwave popcorn, Coke Zero
Dinner: Leftover Giordano's deep-dish pizza, Coke Zero

Thursday
Breakfast: Coffee
Lunch: Ramen, Coffee
Dinner: Buffalo Wild Wings boneless wings (12), "Asian Zing" sauce, Diet Coke

So. The title of this post actually refers to how I feel right now. As you might expect.

Commercials of the Olympics

2010-03-03T16:26:00.003-06:00

First of all, we’ve decided here at Ephener of Mind that we want Morgan Freeman to announce/voice-over everything we do. This from watching the spate of Visa commercials. I don’t think this was the intention of this advertising campaign, but it’s still true. Now, on to the commercials of note.

1. Can we talk about the McDonald’s commercials for just a moment? First, there’s this thing they do, “How to Win an Olympic Gold” or some such, sponsored by McDonald’s. The one I just watched was about pairs figure skating. I’m pretty sure that McDonald’s doesn’t actually know that much about how to win an Olympic gold. It probably doesn’t have that much to do with the McRib. Just a guess.

They also have those commercials that feature “how you can eat like an Olympian.” They state that McDonald’s food is served in the Olympic Village. Is this true? I’m sorry, but I feel very confident that McDonald’s is the last food that most Olympians would wish to eat during their stay at the Olympics. Yes, please: I’m about to compete in the biggest sporting event in my life, something that only happens once in four years; I think I’ll have some fries. Has anyone asked Michael Phelps how many Big Macs he ate during his stay in Beijing? Or how about Evan Lysacek—how many Big N’ Tasties has he consumed so far during these games? Here at Ephener of Mind, we’re willing to bet that the number is rather low. But nevertheless, McDonald’s is continuing on this advertising campaign. They’ve got these commercials with some dude walking through a restaurant that is populated entirely with Olympians (including one token Paralympian), each and every one happily munching away at some McDonald’s delicacy. And then they say that you can eat like an Olympian because they have some new Sweet Chili dipping sauce for the McNuggets that is available at the Olympic Village.

2. Dentastix. Did we all see this commercial? It’s the one that begins by falsely advertising for Doggie Dentures. And these dogs have giant, bright bright white, human-tooth-shaped, wide smiles with Doggie Dentures. “You’re kidding, right?” the dog says. Yes, they are. But I have to admit that, precisely because of how disturbing it would be, I’d love to see Doggie Dentures turn into a reality. It’s like that Geico commercial for that fake reality show, “Tiny House.”

3. Okay, we need to talk about the Air Force commercials. These aren’t new for the Olympics, but it’s time to deal with them. I’m thinking of the one that features a HALO drop over what looks like an alien landscape. There’s a giant moon in the background and a smaller moon next to it. “Nothing on night vision; switching to thermal.” I thought night vision was thermal. Clearly I’m ignorant on that point. But back to the commercial. So they’re doing search and rescue and find this guy that they were looking for and bring him back. And then the caption comes on to tell us that this isn’t science fiction; it’s what they do every day at the Air Force. Really? It is science fiction: you landed on a planet with two moons! I was unaware that the earth has 2 moons. Thanks a lot, Air Force.

4. We mentioned this in a previous post, but it bears mentioning again. The repeated commercials for “How to Train Your Dragon.” Ephener of Mind has seen at least four iterations of this concept at the time of this writing, and it’s really starting to bother us. The worst part about this is how they make the NBC commentators into accomplices for this advertising campaign: one moment, they’re talking about the actual Olympics, and the next they segue into some ridiculous line like, “Have you ever wondered what the Winter Olympics would have been like a thousand years ago, during the time of Vikings and dragons? Our friends at Dream Works have done just that” and then we are treated to a ridiculous montage of characters from this movie doing things that are Olympic-related. Please.

5. The GE healthcare commercials that talk about electronic medical records also deserve mention. It starts with the patient and the doctor, and the doctor muses about whether the patient has ever been checked for a Cortical Spreading Depression, whatever that may be. And then suddenly there’s an audience of a bunch of doctors who pipe up in turn about this patient’s medical history. Of interest here at EoM is the first doctor in the audience, who seems inexplicably angry. “Yeah,” he says saltily, “actually, he has.” But he says it with such venom—if you’ve seen this commercial I’m sure you agree. Why? Why is he so mad? The other doctors have various motivations, but this first one is so fascinating.

6. By now you’re all very familiar with the Dramatic Chipmunk, right? Well, so is Carmax. We’ve seen this commercial in the Super Bowl earlier, but they’re still playing it. The Dramatic Cockatiel is my personal favorite.

7. Another old commercial graces the pages of Ephener of Mind! This time it’s the Windows 7 commercials that we’ve been seeing for some time now. Specifically, has anyone else noticed how, in every commercial, the flashback version of the character is, uh, much more attractive than the present-time version of the character? Let’s review. The newest one is the one with the Frenchman, I believe. He’s talking to us in French, remember? And he’s outside his chateau in France talking about how he’s Windows 7. The flashback shows him wearing a tank top and he’s much more cut and doesn’t having thinning hair. And then there’s the one of the British woman in the cab. In her flashback she’s also much prettier than when it cuts back to her in the cab. And the one with the geeky guy who had his brainstorm in the shower? He’s much less geeky in the shower than he is in real life, though he does wear his glasses in the shower in the flashback. My question is, why are they doing this? Is this some kind of subtext that the producers of the commercial are trying to convey to us? These people remember themselves as being much more attractive than they really are? And they therefore also misremember their contributions to Windows 7? We’re not to trust their recollections? Someone explain this to me.

8. This is another commercial that isn’t strictly Olympic-related, but it has started playing during the Olympics. It begins with a businessman on his cell phone in the car asking to have his dog put on the phone on the other end. He then tells the dog that the dog is to go outside to do its business. The scene then cuts to a woman driving along on her cell phone who tells her friend on the other end that time travel is possible because “the fabric of space is woven.” It then cuts to a woman driving along laughing uproariously while texting “LOLOLOLOL” on her phone. Then they almost run into each other. The idea here is that texting and/or talking on the phone while driving is a bad idea. Which it is. But it’s a hysterical commercial.

9. They’ve been playing these commercials about British Columbia during the Olympics with a bunch of celebrities who are Canadian. They had a variation on it that they played during the Closing Ceremonies which was longer and more explicitly about the fact that the Olympics were here. End result: I want to visit Vancouver. Mission accomplished.

10. AT&T/Samsung commercials with Apolo Ohno skating on a circular track which then, due to how fast he is, dislodges from the boards and starts spinning confuses me. Perhaps I need to brush up on my physics. Would this happen? I thought the whole point of ice skates was that there was very little friction. Yet, the fact that they are able to move around on the ice means that they must be exerting some kind of force on the ice, so I guess this could happen.

11. “Clash of the Titans,” the remake. Every time I think of this, I think it’s called “Twilight of the Gods,” which of course it’s not. That’s Gotterdammerung, and it’s an opera. But this is a remake of the classic movie of the same name! What I love about the commercials for it is that they tried to incorporate the Olympics. So we get a picture of a luger coming over the top of a curve, which then dissolves into the top of a rocky crag with a giant scorpion climbing over. Or a skier flying through the air and turning into Pegasus. It’s rather interesting. But also, they advertise it in 3-D, which a lot of movies are being done in now. At the very end, they say, “See it in 3-D!” And a little later, “also available in 2-D.” I’m glad that they feel the need to specify that this movie can be seen in 2-D, which is the normal way of viewing movies.

Live-Blogging the Closing Ceremonies

2010-02-28T22:36:00.001-06:00

Coverage begins at 6:00. But the ceremony begins at 7:30 CST. And it begins with a mime construction worker working on the cauldron arm that didn’t work from the Opening Ceremonies and making fun of the arm that didn’t raise. And Catriona Lemay Doan gets to light her arm of the cauldron. I like it. Also, Bob and Al have informed us that these Closing Ceremonies are going to be “campy,” which I personally can’t wait for.

Since everyone likes to compare these ceremonies unfavorably to Beijing’s, let me also jump on that band wagon: the precision of the snowboard dancers leaves a lot to be desired in comparison with the dancing at the 2008 Summer Opening Ceremonies.

Also, it’s taking forever for these athletes to enter the arena. Come on, people! Now the host team comes in, and look how excited everyone is to see them. Especially after they won the gold in today’s hockey game. And also since they won the most gold medals of any nation at these games, also a record for the number of gold medals won at a single Winter Games. However, look at those sweaters they’re wearing. And people are still coming in! I know they aren’t in a hurry because they’ll all be partying lat into the night, but some of us have work tomorrow. We need to get a move on here, people.

This Athletes’ Tribute Song, “Let’s Have a Party,” sounds like another song that EoM has been hearing on the radio. A little help here? Also, I know this is tacky to note, but once again they are vary obviously lip-synching here. The guy with the weird-shaped white guitar is especially egregious.

Did everyone see that shot of some American Olympian wearing fake moose antlers? Awesome. Oh, lots of people have them. Jealous.

Now they’re giving the medals for the men’s 50k cross-country, which was contested earlier today in Whistler. It’s, like they all were, a very nice ceremony with some solemnity and pomp. Which I’m all for, as medal ceremonies should be. Yet, it doesn’t seem to go with the vibe of the ceremonies up to this point. Could they have saved “Let’s Have a Party” until after this? No? Okay, fine. I also still can’t get over the outfits of the German contingent. These vests, blue for men and pink (na klar) for women, that say “team” on the front of them. Bizarre.

I also know that it’s been noted earlier by others, but l’Hymne Nationale of Norway sounds like “Deck the Halls.” I especially like the sequence so that the second phrase sounds like “Deck the Halls” in minor. Also, is it me, or does this anthem sound like it ends on the V chord? Anybody?

Now they’re doing the anthems of the other things that need to be anthemized at these kinds of things. I’m glad to see that the orchestra is still there. I wonder if that creepy big-handed violinist is still a part. We’ll assume that he is. Ben Heppner is Canadian? He’s better than whoever it was who sang this—right?—at the Opening Ceremonies. Less vibrato. Ah, yes, now he’s singing in French; it’s all coming back to me. He’s singing it live, right? He’s not lip-synching, right? RIGHT? He’s an opera singer, for goodness’ sake. He’s sung at the Met.

Also, the Moscow State Chamber Choir sounds fantastic. However, how long is the Russian National Anthem? I mean, come on here, people. The Star-Spangled Banner has four verses, but we only ever sing one of them. Is this what we have to expect from the medal ceremonies in Sochi in four years? Anthems that last for 5 minutes?

And now the Sochi presentation. As Bob Costas put it, “now they get a chance to show us their wares.” Which include these lit-up people in these giant bouncy inflatable balls? Which of course is being contrasted with Valery Gergiev. Okay. But, I don’t understand what’s going on here. Are we to believe that he’s conducting them from Vancouver whilst they are playing in Red Square? I don’t believe that he’s conducting the music that is playing right now. Just look at him. Also, now they have ballet dancers dancing to that great ballet, Tchaikovsky’s Sixth Symphony. Excuse me? Why are they doing ballet to a symphony? TCHAIKOVSKY WROTE ACTUAL BALLETS. Why can’t they do ballet to one of those?

This is not your typical Troika, Bob. Most of them have actual horses. And are also not spherical with the horses in the middle. Just FYI. He’s still going on about the horses. Stop! I’m more concerned with the fact that I wasn’t able to immediately identify the music that she was singing.

And now the closing address from the head of the Vancouver Olympic Organizing Whatever. I had forgotten how terrible his French is. Now I’m reminded.

Jacques Rogge now gives his address. I seem to remember in the distant past, 1996 to be specific, when there was a different President of the IOC, and it was traditional to declare that the present Olympics to be the best Olympics ever, or some such. It was a big scandal when that IOC President did not say to Atlanta that these were the best Olympics, but only that they were very good or excellent or whatever he said. Jacques did the same thing to Vancouver just now: he declared these Olympics to be “excellent, and very friendly.”

I am also always filled with pathos whenever the Olympic Flame is extinguished.

This little Canadian Pride montage that they’re doing at the end is very interesting. I was going to say it was more appropriate for the Opening Ceremonies but then Catherine O’Hara came on. I do enjoy that she came out a la curling. That was, um, the only funny thing that she did, actually. Sorry.

OMG. Giant inflatable animals? Beavers and moose?? This is the best part of any Olympic ceremony ever. I mean, this whole parade of Things Canadian thing is outstanding. Now I know why Bob told us the ceremony would be campy. Everything about this part is awesome. The inflatable animals. The people dressed as lumberjacks. The people dressed as maple leaves. The people dressed as Indians. The people dressed as hockey players. The canoes. The seksay Mounty backup singers. And Michael Buble is also pretty okay. I mean, you know.

Final Thoughts?

1. Can we just take a moment to consider some of the athletes? First and foremost, Joannie Rochette. She’s a hero. I can’t even begin to imagine what this last week of her life has been like. She skated like a champion in these games, and she’s so inspirational. My heart goes out to her. Second, the American Nordic team, which won its first medals in these games, and good for them! I also truly enjoy that Swiss ski-jumper who looks like Harry Potter. Simon Ammann. He’s quite interesting. Alexandre Bilodeau and his brother? Also a nice story from these Games. And Mirai Nagasu, who won 4th in the women’s figure skating and didn’t medal, but was genuinely excited that she skated well and that she had a chance to compete. Partially, though, it’s also probably because she knows she’ll be back in a few years and win something real.

2. Canada came into these games with no gold medals from the past two Olympics that they had hosted, and it was a big huge deal whether they’d win any this time. And in the first few days they didn’t, even though they were expected to. And then moguls skier Alexandre Bilodeau brought home the first gold for Canada. It was pretty cool. By the end of the Games, Canada had won 14 gold medals, the most golds won by a single country in a single Olympic Games. I think that Canada has put to rest any embarrassment from 1976 and 1988.

3. There were several Olympians at these games who came to redeem themselves. Bode Miller, who struck out in Torino amid much controversy, came back this time a different person it seemed, and won three medals. Yet, he failed to medal in his last two events, being disqualified in the slalom. Chad Hedrick, who had gotten into such strife with teammate Shani Davis in Torino, won a silver and a bronze. Lindsay Jacobellis, who won a silver instead of a gold in Torino because of some showboating, and came to Vancouver a more mature and seasoned athlete, and much nicer too, it seemed. She failed to make it to the finals due to a crash and missed getting a medal that she really should have had. It’s interesting how so many people screwed up the first time and were given a second chance, some of them able to capitalize on it, and some of them coming up short. There are lessons.

4. It’s difficult to say why we love the Olympics so much. Is it because of the competition? Is it because the sports are so interesting to watch and exciting? Is it because the world comes together for them? Is it because they only happen every four years? Yes. But also, I think it’s because the Olympics really do show the noblest side of ourselves. So many of these athletes will not medal, but they’re just happy to be able to be there. So many of them toil in obscurity and work really hard, with no endorsement deals (except for the members of the US hockey team), and this is finally their chance to shine. There’s just such a joy from most of them, and it’s really inspirational. I think it’s interesting that it’s only a sporting event that can do this for us. How many days is it until the London Olympics?

Olympics: Day 17

2010-02-28T22:02:00.001-06:00

“We’re about halfway through the first of the last four laps.” What? Today is the last day of the 2010 Winter Games, and we’re watching the men’s 50k Cross-Country Skiing. It’s ten laps, and Al Trautwig uttered that line during the sixth lap. This race must be like the marathon of the Winter Games, in that it’s basically the last event contested and it’s long. Actually, longer than the actual marathon. And the medal ceremony will happen at the closing ceremonies? Interesting.

Of course, this begs the question: how do the commentators get the assignments that they get? Al Michaels was talking earlier in these Games about how he was picked to call the 1980 Miracle on Ice game: he was the only staffer who had any experience with or knowledge of hockey, so he did it. But Al Trautwig has been calling all of the cross-country events at these Games, along with a color commentator who is an expert. But what does Al know about cross-country? Just a thought.

EoM didn’t get to watch the Olympics yesterday or the day before, as we were setting up, working, then tearing down from Jazz in the [redacted], a very large event at [school where I work]. Which was very sad, as there were some very entertaining things happening these last two days at the Olympics: the men’s 4-man Boblsed, the men’s slalom, the Champion’s Gala at figure skating, the short-track 500 M final and men’s relay, and a lot more. Although we did catch highlights of some of the aforementioned events, such as the exhibition performance by Joannie Rochette or the fact that the US Bobled won gold medal. Or lowlights, as these also included the disqualification of Apolo Ohno, Ted Ligety and Bode Miller.

And now it’s time for the Gold Medal Men’s Hockey game. And Don Cherry? Who? He’s apparently a Canadian hockey commentator? But EoM is more interested in what he’s wearing for this bit: a red what looks like velour(?) double-breasted suit (we can’t see his pants but we can only assume they’re the same as the jacket) with a white pocket square (of course—no well-dressed man would ever go without the pocket square), a white super-dressy shirt, and a necktie with the Canadian Maple Leaf on it. Wow. He talked about hockey, I can only assume, and concluded that Team Canada would win 5-3.

Speaking of hockey, uh, fashion, I think it’s very interesting to look at the goaltenders’ helmets on all the teams. Apparently it’s a thing for goaltenders to decorate their helmets with interesting designs. Miller, the US goaltender, has a stylized Bald Eagle on one side with a torch-bearing Uncle Sam on the other side. Luongo, the Canadian goaltender, also has something interesting on his, as have all the goaltenders on all of the teams that EoM has observed.

Olympic hockey also brings up another interesting question (Not: why do people watch hockey at all, which is a question that we would like to ask at another time. The short answer for right now is that EoM is watching hockey only because it’s the Olympics.) which also applies to sports such as Olympic basketball and figure skating. And baseball? We can’t remember, but it doesn’t matter because baseball is no longer an Olympic sport anyways. Namely: the issue of professionals competing in the Olympics. We all remember that professional figure skaters (whatever that means) are barred from competing at the Olympics; this was a big deal when Kristy Yamaguchi went pro because it meant she could not be an Olympian anymore. Yet, in basketball and hockey, professionals are allowed to compete. This is precisely why the US basketball team is expected to win every time. And why Canada and the USA are playing in the gold medal game right now; every member of both teams is also on an NHL team. This is also why teams USA and Canada have been trouncing all of their opponents or at least most of them: how many professional hockey players are on team Slovenia? Or team Finland, which somehow made it far enough in the tournament to win the bronze medal last night? How fair and sporting is this? I mean, I realize that part of the Olympics is simply to have “fought well,” according to the Olympic Oath, but at least in hockey it seems that, if you’re not a member of teams USA, Canada, Russia or Czech Republic, that’s all you’ll get to do.

Team Canada ended up winning in overtime, as the whole entire world knows and I don't need to post here. And I'm happy for them. There, I said it.

Olympics: Day 14

2010-02-25T23:21:00.002-06:00

So, I know this blog tends to be a little trite and, oh, alright, I'll say it: a little catty sometimes. But I think we need to all take a moment and consider Joannie Rochette, figure skater from Canada who won bronze this evening. Her mother passed away Sunday, and Joannie came out and skated the performance of her life on Tuesday. Then she skated the new performance of her life on Thursday. It was indescribable. She's a hero.

Also, we should note the two figure skaters from the United States: Mirai Nagasu and Rachel Flatt. Both skated quite well, even though they finished 4th and 7th respectively. Mirai skated last and even though she finished out of the medals (4th is always talked about as being the worst place to finish at the Olympics), she was all smiles and waves when the scores came in. She's 16 and she just seemed genuinely thrilled to be there.

This is why we heart the Olympics.

Olympics: Day 13

2010-02-24T23:17:00.002-06:00

Just a quickie today. Have we all seen this?

Now you have.

Olympics: Day 12

2010-02-23T23:03:00.000-06:00

Tonight is the short program in the juggernaut that we at Ephener of Mind like to call Women’s Figure Skating. We got back just in time to see Mirai Nagasu of the USA skate, and she did very well. Two things struck us: 1) She skated to, yes?, the, like, string quartet version of Pirates of the Caribbean; 2) she doubled her second jump in her triple-triple combination. I mention this because skaters do this all the time, and my question is this: do they consciously decide to not go for the triple, or does the body just do what it does? She didn’t have enough speed out of the first jump to be able to do the triple for her second, say the commentators—did she realize this and decide to do the double, or did she go up and just do two rotations instead of three?

One small thing about the performance of the Finnish skater, Laura Lepisto. I’m glad they showed this on TV, because who would’ve expected to see the skater from Finland? The music in her skate had three sections that were stylistically very different. The first change was in tempo and character, and it happened right as she landed from a jump. The second one coincided with a nice footwork sequence. Usually, in my opinion, jumps kind of come from out of nowhere and aren’t related to what is happening in the music; this time, the music and the choreography seemed to really work well together, and it was a very nice effect.

Has anyone else noticed this trend in figure skating this year? I noticed it in the pairs, the mens, the womens and the ice dancing. The music starts, and it’s a moment before the skater starts to move. Has this always been the case? Have I just never noticed? I don’t believe it.

Miki Ando of Japan skated to the Mozart Requiem, and her specific recording brings to mind an issue brought up in the context of the free dance the other night. In this performance, instead of getting “Lacrymosa dies illa, qua resurget ex favilla judicandus homoreus,” we are treated to choir ahs that sound suspiciously like they came from a synthesizer. We would’ve been happier to hear text—is this not allowed in figure skating, only ice dancing?

For the Record: They were showing the men’s team Nordic Combined, and in the background could clearly be seen a fan walking around wearing a giant red foam cowboy hat. We hat EoM feel vindicated. (That last sentence started out as a typo but it was so perfect we “hat” to keep it.)(Get it???) We also feel vindicated that they won the silver medal. Go USA!

Not Olympic-Related

2010-02-23T21:21:00.002-06:00

I know, it's shocking, right? So, I was in a public restroom the other day and a man walked in talking on his cell phone. This has happened to me before, but I always feel really weird about it. Is this what we've come to, as a society? Which was it: someone called him before he went to the restroom and he decided they weren't important enough for him to wait to do his business; or he was on his way in and someone called him, and he figured they weren't important enough that he could wait to talk to them from some respectable place?

Here's the only real question: if you were talking to a friend or loved one on the phone and learned that they were in the bathroom during the conversation, would you be happy about it? We at Ephener of Mind definitely would not be.

Olympics: Day 11

2010-02-22T23:02:00.002-06:00

Today’s posting will consist of two contrasting sections.

1. Okay, so I was a fan of Davis/White right up until the first note of their Free Dance. I really wanted them to win gold. And then it was Phantom of the Opera. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. And the second section of their dance was “Music of the Night,” and the singer’s voice was super warbly with wobbly vibrato. Did they use the soundtrack from the movie? Ugh, and now there’s a reprise of the first music, but were we really surprised? Yet, the fans seemed to enjoy it. But, okay, as I’m looking at it again, she really looks more like Belle from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast and he isn’t wearing a mask. Are masks not allowed? They have to be—if Aboriginal costuming is allowed, then masks should be.

So, apparently, in ice dancing, vocals are allowed in the music to which they skate. This doesn’t seem to be the case in figure skating, which is interesting to us at Ephener of Mind, coming as we do from a marching band background (What?). Just bear with us here. Now they’re allowing all sorts of crazy sounds in DCI competitions—amplified voices, narration, all that kind of stuff. Pretty soon there’ll be woodwinds (“Never!” I can hear you say. Right? Well, you probably thought they’d never allow valves either. And now look at you.) It’s pretty controversial, although I personally think it’s awesome: anything to make the music weirder, right? Like when Carolina Crown had the grass theme and wore the green plumes and had the green drumheads or when the Blue [Coats? Jackets? Devils? Stars?]s changed their uniforms completely from beginning of the show to the ending (if you missed it—and how could you have, from that wonderful description of which drum corps it was!—it was awesome). Yet, I don’t know how I feel about this in ice dancing. Faiella/Scali had narration at the beginning of theirs, and Davis/White had vocals (REMEMBER???) in theirs.

How awesome is that name? Tessa Virtue. I wonder if it’s short for something. Chastessa? Hoptessa? Faithessa? Get it???? Demitessa? As you can guess from this narrative style, we’re live-blogging the ice dancing finals here at EoM and Virtue/Moir are skating next. And, here’s the thing. They’re going to win because they are Canadian (typed at 11:37 pm EST). And their dance was extremely beautiful. But it was boring! It was like the slow movements of all the symphonies being performed at a concert! And now they’re in first place. But it was boring!

And now we have Belbin/Agosto skating to Jesus Music. And another warbly vocal! And which Ave Maria is this? Perhaps one of you out there in Readerland can enlighten us. We just hope it’s not the Schubert, because that’s just embarrassing if we didn’t recognize it. This isn’t from the Bernstein Mass, is it? It needs more tambourine. Also Ben Agosto has had some bang-up outfits in these Games: last nights’ Moldavian folk number, and tonight’s, uh, whatever that is.

Domnina/Shabalin: again, what are they wearing? Specifically, what is he wearing? Oh, good: the commentator just said that they are wearing ropes which they will use to aid their lifts. Well, at least the music is weird. If there were a gold medal for weirdness, they’d definitely be in the running for it. Silver would go to the Norwegian Men’s Curling Team’s Pants (see below). Bronze would go to the sport of Nordic Combined. They’re (Domnina/Shebalin) like, “We’re going to be different!” Well, sometimes different is bad. I just don’t understand their concept. And this is another thing that I don’t get: so many of these ice dancers are standing on their partners with their skates: Domnina just did it. Davis did it earlier. Aren’t those skates sharp? Didn’t J.R. Celsky cut himself on his own skate so badly that he almost bled out on the ice? Am I missing something here?

And the results are in: Canada wins gold, Americans Davis/White win silver, and the Russians win bronze. And I’m glad for the Canadians, despite the bone-crushing boredom of their program. Maybe this will take a little bit of the sting off of the Canadian Men’s Ice Hockey loss yesterday. Okay, maybe not. I doubt that the hockey fans and the ice dancing fans are the same people. I’m also happy for the Americans. Good for them!

Wait! Stop the presses! So, at the medal ceremony, which happens right after the skating/dancing is over (it's not at Whistler? Weird), when they introduce the dancers, they skate out to a snippet of the music to which they danced earlier in the competition? That's pretty cool, except of course that this means that we have to listen to more Phantom.

2. Thanks to Susan for informing us of this: you can now become (as EoM has) a fan on Facebook of the Norwegian Men’s Curling Team Pants. Do it.

Olympics: Day 10

2010-02-21T22:17:00.002-06:00

Okay, so we’re all aware of how obsessed I am with curling, right? I mean, I watch it every time it’s on. Seriously. I’m watching it right now on CNBC instead of the men’s super-combined skiing—although now that I know I’m missing that, I’m switching to it so I can watch Ted Ligety ski. But other than that I watch curling like a crazed fanatic. But here’s the thing. I just now for the first time saw the Norwegian men’s curling team’s pants, although I had heard about them before now. They are hysterical. They are red, white and blue, with big argyle diamonds all up and down them. They look like clown pants. Picture the Harlem Globetrotters. Picture the Indiana University men’s basketball team. These are crazier. The commentators were talking about these pants, and they noted three things: 1) these pants are made by the same company that makes John Daly's pants, and they cost $90 a pair; 2) Daly is apparently quoted as saying that maybe the US men’s curling team should invest in these pants because it may help their playing (they’re 2-5 now); and 3) the World Curling Federation or whatever it’s called, apparently has decreed that only black pants shall be worn, but they are not enforcing this rule at the Olympics—although the commentators think perhaps they should. We here at Ephener of Mind are conflicted on this point. One the one hand, they’re hysterical. On the other hand, they’re ridiculous. On the other hand, they could be distracting to the other players. On the other hand, why is that a problem? On the other hand, they’re entertaining for the audience—i.e., me. On the other hand, maybe people’s freedom of expression shouldn’t be infringed upon—after all, the Danish women’s curling team is sporting those black skirts, the only women’s curling team who is not wearing pants. On the other hand, there have to be standards. You can see just how fraught this issue is.

I want these.

Olympics: Day 9

2010-02-21T00:36:00.004-06:00

“And Lady Gaga has asked that we now take a look at the medal count.” I choose to believe that Lady Gaga is deeply interested in the Winter Olympics, as we all should be. "Yet," you say, "we haven't had a new blog posting since Day 5! You can't be that interested." Well, some of us have jobs.

I’m sorry, but this feature that Mary Carillo did for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police is, uh, insulting to the Mounties. Did we all see this? She describes the training process as “my humiliation,” but really what it is is the humiliation of the entire United States, as we try to make a mockery of our neighbors to the north but really we just show how ridiculous we are. I mean, the fact that she gets to wear the scarlet tunic and the Stetson of the Mounties is absolutely out of control. And at the end of the segment, NBC tries to make it seem as though they respect the traditions and the capabilities of this august regiment, but really, we’re just making fun of them.

Also, let the record show that Bob Costas wore this outfit already. His purple shirt, tie and sweater have graced the IBC at these Winter Olympic Games once before. As I recall, it was a day in which many other broadcasters and commentators, including the inimitable Dick Button, also chose to wear purple. I also am going to pass on the opportunity to discuss Dick Button’s shoes, as I’m sure that other people have blogged about this, and I seem to also recall that the local NBC affiliate in [city where I live] was going to do an expose on them. Basically, they’re old-man shoes. Perhaps orthotic.

Wait. Hold everything. Did we all see this?? They did a segment about the Dutch short-track skater that upset Shani Davis on the 1000 meters, and they had a little montage which included a blue-white-and-red-clad band that was playing for the people in the stands. What was this? Those are the colors of the Dutch flag, but of course they favor the color orange (it’s an homage to the Duke of Orange, don’t’cha know) in their athletes’ uniforms and the fans’ clothes. Was this some kind of Dutch speed-skating pep band? Regardless of what country it was representing, it had a sousaphone, a snare drum, a trombone, and various other instruments. As a music educator, I really think that this is an avenue that we need to explore in greater depth. Oh, alright, I’ll just come out and say it: the public schools in the areas around Vancouver (and all of Canada, really) should have sent pep bands to the various venues to entertain the fans during these Games. We at Ephener of Mind can only hope that the Russian Olympic Committee jumps on this opportunity for the next Winter Games. Time will tell.

Can we also talk about ice dancing for just a minute? We at Ephener of Mind realize we’re a day late and a dollar short with this one, but we were busy last night. We’re not overly impressed with ice dancing as compared to pairs figure skating, but does anyone else think it’s so interesting that ice dancers get to/have to perform three times whereas all of the other figure skaters only do it twice? That’s all we have to say about ice dancing for now.

Olympics: Day 5

2010-02-16T22:19:00.002-06:00

I missed Day 4. Sue me. We'll keep it brief here today. Only two points, both dealing with the juggernaut that we at EoM like to call Figure Skating.

1. Pairs Long Program was yesterday. Can we just talk about the concept of a "throw" for a moment? You know, where the man picks up the woman and hurls her through the air, and she's supposed to spin around and land all gracefully like it was a jump?

Yeah, that.

I know, right?

Okay, but here's my deal: I want to know what it was like the first time someone suggested that to his partner. "Hey, I have a great idea: I'm going to throw you through the air, and I want you to spin around and then land on the ice like it was a jump." I bet that went over real well. It's like the first person who decided to eat an egg. Think about that for a second. I'll wait. Okay? Okay. Actually, remember those obnoxious commericals for Dream Works' How to Train Your Dragon? Where they reimagine what Winter Olympics sports would've been like 1000 years ago in the time of Vikings, which, coincidentally, happened to be the time of DRAGONS? Well, I think it would have been a good idea for them to reimagine pairs figure skating that way. Perhaps they did; I didn't get to watch all of last night's competition.

2. Tonight is the Men's Short Program. And it seems like the ridiculosity of the wardrobe is going through the roof. Let's just pick three examples: Johnny Weir, Tomas Verner of the Czech Republic, and Kevin van der Perren of Belgium.

Johnny Weir. Enough said. Tonight he was rocking the pink tassle, as he apparently does? Yeah. Moving on.

Tomas Verner. His music was Zorba the Greek. Good, fine. He was supposedly dressed in the part? I thought he looked more like Sailor Moon, but I suppose there's no accounting for taste.

Kevin van der Perren. Let me set the stage for you. The music: Night on Bald Mountain. His outfit: A black bodysuit with sparkly, glittery bones on it. He was dressed like a skeleton. And then the music went techno in the second half. If you didn't see this live, I can't even begin to describe it. It was like two sinking ships colliding. How was the skating, you might ask? It was okay--if he had not been dressed like a giant bedazzled skeleton, I'd even say the skating was respectable.

Even Evan Lysacek, good, solid, dependable, quasi-normal in this company Evan Lysacek, skated to Firebird (just like, uh, some couple--from the United States, right?--two days ago). He was wearing feathers. At least he skated well.

2a. I also have to say that there appears to be, in the choreography of at least the men's short programs, some very literal movement. Like dressing like a skeleton for Night on a Bald Mountain. But more importantly, like sharp movements when there are sharp hits in the music. Much more literal than the choreography has been in the past. Has anyone else noticed this?

Olympics: Day 3

2010-02-14T22:24:00.002-06:00

Today must be the day for the weird events. Coverage opened with the ski jumping portion of the Nordic Combined, which as you no doubt are aware combines ski jumping with cross-country skiing. I mean, the only weird part about this event is that it includes ski jumping, which has got to be one of the weirdest sports ever. Except for curling. Maybe that will be on today too! Probably on Oxygen….

But now we’re watching the Biathlon, which combines two sports (hence the name): cross-country skiing and shooting. Interestingly, Al Trautwig informs us that these two sports, Nordic Combined and Biathlon, are the only two sports in which the USA has never won an Olympic medal. And we at Ephener of Mind aren’t surprised. But, we pick up the coverage with the weapons safety check before the beginning of the race, which is a crucial element to the competition. Because you don’t want there to be one crazed competitor that starts shooting the other skiers during the course of the competition. You want there the be several. Actually, that sounds like the beginning of a made-for-TV movie. Unfortunately I haven’t fleshed out the rest of the plot: It starts out just like any other Olympic Biathlon, but things soon turn deadly when one of the competitors starts shooting the other skiers. And then what? I’m open for suggestions. I’m also open for suggestions as to who should star in this film, and please bear in mind that Charles Bronson is no longer an option.

So they have to ski a little bit and then come back and shoot at a target from the prone position, then some more and then shoot at the target from a standing position. See, you learn something new every day: I didn’t know/remember that they had to shoot both from the prone and standing positions. How interesting!

Also, when they were showing the crowd just now, which Al Trautwig described as a crowd of true Biathlon fans who would know when to cheer at the shooting and whatnot—which I think is a prerequisite for being in attendance in any event, but apparently not always—they showed a shot of somebody holding up a giant inflatable brown rabbit. Nobody explained this to the TV audience—it must be an inside joke among true Biathlon fans, which EoM surely is not. But it reminded us at Ephener of Mind of our newest favorite commercial:

Which has nothing to do with the Olympics, but we have to do something to entertain ourselves during the commercial breaks. Right? Whatever, don’t judge. And now they’re shooting! EoM had also forgotten that, if you miss, you have to ski a penalty lap. And somebody misses their first 2 shots! Apparently, according to the commentator, if you miss one shot you are out of medal contention. This is pretty intense. Except that many people are missing at least one shot, so that’s a lot of penalty laps. But it’s still early in this race, so we’ll have to see how it plays out.

Also, this commentator needs to stop saying the phrase “lights out.” If any tiny thing goes wrong, it’s lights out for that competitor. If someone misses a shot, it’s lights out. If they’re shooting slowly, it’s lights out. Because it’s snowing, it’s lights out for those competitors who started late. Jeez. Eventually, it’s lights out for everyone, which is the same as if everyone’s lights were all on again.

SERIOUSLY?? Imagine what ski-jumping would have been like a thousand years ago during the time of the Vikings??? Our friends at Dream Works have done just that???? This is the second time that EoM has been watching the Olympics and they’ve segued into commercials for How to Train Your Dragon by suggesting some kind of connection with the Olympics. Le sigh.

The Nordic Combined was actually very exciting. Johnny Spillane is a Ponce de Leon for American Nordic Combined, according to Al Trautwig, a reference that he chooses not to elaborate upon. Is it because he found the Fountain of Youth? Or because Ponce de Leon was the first American to win an Olympic medal in…never mind. But seriously, the finish was quite exciting, as it looked like Johnny Ponce de Spillane was going to sprint for the gold medal. But, alas, it was not to be, as some Frenchman who was born in the USA beat him out at the very end. But who ever would have guessed that the end of a cross-country skiing event could be so exciting? I guess if I had bothered to think back to four years ago at Torino, perhaps I would have remembered how exciting it can be.

And now there’s only one event in which the United States has won no Olympic medals: the Biathlon. We’ll have to see what we can do about that, but this likely will have to wait four years until the Winter Games and that Russian location that we can’t think of the name of. Should be exciting!

And then there’s the juggernaut that we at EoM like to call: Figure Skating. It’s the gymnastics of the Winter Olympics. Tonight begins the pairs figure skating competition, and it’s on. Even Vice President Joe Biden and his wife are in attendance, though from the shot they showed of the Second Couple before the competition, Joe didn’t look too thrilled to be there. One would think that he’d be used to the possibility of being on camera by now, and that he wouldn’t get caught unawares. But this is Joe Biden. One thing that interests us here at Ephener of Mind is the way the musical accompaniment is working. Natch, they’re only showing a selection of the skaters on the telly, so we don’t get to see all of them. But, on a disturbing number of the performances, the music ends super-abruptly. We at EoM realize that this is because they’re the short programs and there’s a time element at play here, but we still think they could’ve done a smoother job on the editing of the music.

I’m sorry; I know this is off-topic, but we here at Ephener of Mind feel we need to comment upon the wardrobe choices of the American ski team at these Olympics (IF you’ve been following this blog since the last Summer Games you’ll recall that we regularly commented upon the wardrobe decisions of the athletes.). They are wearing blue with white stars on them, which darken as they approach the cuffs of the sleeves, on which are emblazoned the red and white stripes of the Amercian flag. It’s supposed to look like Old Glory. I submit that it looks like they’re wearing flannel pajamas. And while we’re at it, can we also just discuss the outfits chosen by the figure skating pair from Ukraine? It’s a lot of what the commentators dubiously describe as “electric blue,” and it’s sparkly. It’s also not clear to EoM what the connection is between the dress and the overall theme—musically, especially—of their program. The music sounds like it’s from some B movie about—you guessed it!—the Soviet Union. I’m not even joking. If you didn’t see this, well, we’ll try to find a picture from the interwebs to post for your viewing edification.

OK, people. Kavaguti/Smirnov are skating to "The Swan" by Saint-Saens. Fine, great. Not that I have a problem with the Swan, that fantastically beautiful and overplayed show piece for the cello, since I’m a bass player. Not at all. Not that I have a problem that the feature for the basses from that same suite (Carnival of the Animals) is called "The Elephant." No bitterness. We at Ephener of Mind don’t peddle in bitterness. Here’s the problem: She’s dressed in a white sparkly number with a picture of a swan on the front of it. Subtlety? Not so much. And his outfit has wings on the sleeves. I don’t feel that I need to say anything else about that. Also the vocal rendition of the Swan that they use for their second half is not my favorite.

Alright, we get it. This last couple, from Germany, is skating to “Send in the Clowns.” Right? But that doesn’t mean that they have to dress like frickin’ Pulcinella and Harlequin. I mean, we here at Ephener of Mind love a good Commedia dell’Arte as much as the next blog (except maybe Hexagonal Close-Packed), but this is still a little out of control.

Olympics: Day 2

2010-02-13T22:53:00.001-06:00

OMG. Short-track speed skating. If you didn’t see the 1500 m Final, you missed out, yo. It looked like Apolo Anton Ohno (Can we also just talk about the fact that everyone has to say his full and complete name every time we talk about him? We can’t just call him Apolo Ohno? Nay, I say unto you: I refuse to call him by all three of his names from henceforth.) was going to finish off of the medal podium in fourth place. (This was the biggest scandal since it looked like Michael Phelps might lose that one race four years ago and not win his record number of medals or whatever. But then he did. And we’re so happy for him, right? RIGHT??) It looked like the Koreans were going to sweep the medals. It looked like J. R. Celski was going to finish in Olympic obscurity. It was the bell lap, with the three Koreans in 1-2-3, Ohno in fourth, and Celski somewhere back in the back of the pack. And then the two Koreans in 2nd and 3rd place tripped each other and took each other out of the race, and it was Ohno who would skate to second place and Celski who would skate to third place.

It was super exciting, but also aren’t we all happy for J. R. Celski? I mean, whatever, Apolo earns another Olympic medal and ties Bonnie Blair, blah, blah, blah. Celski wasn’t supposed to have a big showing here, and he’s also, uh, kind of lucky to be alive. And now he’s an Olympic bronze medalist!

Opening Ceremonies Cauldron Mishap Recap Count: Three so far today. It was referenced twice by the commentators as well as having a short feature devoted to it and a trip down memory lane, recounting Opening Ceremonies Mishaps from past Olympics, including the 1996 Atlanta Games and the 2000 Sydney Games. We here at Ephener of Mind will continue the count for you.

Live-Blogging the Opening Ceremonies

2010-02-12T23:37:00.002-06:00

Mesdames et Messieurs…

Okay, so it’s not really live-blogging. I mean, I’m writing this live while watching the opening ceremonies, but not to the blog because I don’t have wireless internet. But that’s another episode. Also, I hope you can easily remember what happened at the Opening Ceremonies while you read this (as if anyone will read this….) because I’m going to make minimum reference to what’s actually happening while I mentally dissect it for your reading pleasure. So try to keep up.

First, can I say that I do not like the false advertising? Everyone was saying that the opening ceremonies would happen at 6:30. It’s now 8:00 and they’re just starting. But that’s okay; it gave me the chance to watch some of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and the end of Basic.

Can I also say that I hate that announcer’s way of pronouncing “Garmisch”? Please. If you can’t speak the name of each of the previous winter Olympic sites, you don’t get to announce. And that video. The way that snow-boarder was videoed snow-boarding outside and then, portentously, as the announcer said “Vancouver,” he snow-boards into the arena, would have been cool, except that the student producers of [school where I work]’s Variety Show have a video montage like that every year, in which it shows them running around the city and running into the school, and into the theater, and then the lights come up and they run into the theater for real. It’s played out.

“Vice-Regal” is the adjectival form of “Viceroy,” for those of you who may not know. Also, anyone who understands the political relationship between Canada and Great Britain, raise your hand. Anyone? That’s what I thought. SERIOUSLY. They have a Prime Minister and a Governor General?

Yes! Everyone loves Mounties.

Ah, another overly-dramatic National Anthem. It’s interesting to me to note that it’s not just the good ole USA that does this to its National Anthem. Did she just rush? I choose to believe that she did. Wait, time out. Is “Oh Canada” really in English for the first half and French for the second half? I mean, I suppose it’s appropriate, given that part of Canada is Quebec, but still. Actually, most of her rendition of “Oh, Canada” is in French. Weird. And how it goes back and forth between English and French.

Wow. Totem Poles. That’s extremely impressive. Now, however, you can call me cynical, but I have issues with the incorporation of the First Peoples in this ceremony—it still seems a little insincere. And do we think they really welcome everyone to the land that is no longer theirs? “We welcome the aboriginal peoples of Canada.” Unspoken second half of that sentence: “Who used to live here before we stole your land.” However, I do have to say that this is a very cool spectacle with the totems and the dancing and the colors. Luckily for the organizers, though, unison dancing is apparently not part of the American Indian dance aesthetic, as it is for those of us from the European tradition.

And this seems as good a time as any to bring this up, but the fact that French and English are the two Official Languages of the Olympics is starting to grind my gears. If I have to listen to everything spoken twice—once in French and once in English, in that order—for the next two weeks, I’m going to go insane.

I also didn’t realize how many fewer nations there are competing in the Winter Games than in the Summer Games, although as Matt Lauer explains it, it makes total sense.

And can we just talk about this music for a second? I love when music is used like this. This music tells us EXACTLY how to feel during this most emotional event. Would you want to be a musician at this event? I mean, that’s a lot of playing. And you don’t really get to watch anything. I wonder how much they get paid….

Okay, and now we’re into the Parade of Nations.
· Albania only has one entrant? How lonely! But who are the other people in their contingent?
· I love that they make fun of Andorra. “Somehow they didn’t make it into the finals” for consideration for these 2010 Olympics. Shut it, Matt! Let’s see you win an Olympic bid, and then you can trash-talk Andorra.
· Of course the Austrians are impeccably dressed. Am I the only one who thinks their blazers bear a striking resemblance to the outfit worn by Captain von Trapp in The Sound of Music? Probably.
· Azerbaijan? WHAT are those pants?
· Thanks for reminding us that Brazil won the Summer Games over Chicago, Bob.
· I love that they have to speed through the countries who came in during the commercial break. Tough luck, Czech Republic! Also because of those pants.
· The World Sauna Championships? That’s the best thing you can think of to announce when the Finnish delegation comes in? CAN’T WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING RELATED TO THE OLYMPICS?
· The official name of Macedonia is the “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia”? Did we all note how small the font on the sign had to be in order to accommodate this lengthy name in two languages?
· Ugly Knit Hat Count: 1. Germany. 2. Iceland; it’s not knit but it’s still ugly. 3. The kids in the P & G commercial for moms. 4. Spain. 5. Sweden. 6. The United States of America. 7. Canada.
· To summarize: the male German athletes wear blue vests and the female German athletes wear pink? Really?
· No Jamaican bobsled team. As soon as they displayed that there was only one athlete, we knew this to be the case. Sadly, the bobsled team failed to qualify this year.
· The Kazakh delegation needs to make a hat decision. I count three different hats: the flag carrier is wearing one hat, and some of the rest of them are wearing blue baseball caps, and some of the rest of them are wearing white winter caps. Unacceptable.
· Monaco. Those sweaters are out of control. Also, I did not know that Prince Albert was an Olympian in bobsled.
· What?? Joey Cheek has ended his Olympic career in speed skating? But he was so nice! He was the only thing keeping those other two speed skaters from going after each other in Torino. Quelle tragique. How tragic. Also, those shoes that the Americans are wearing are a hot disaster.
· Such was the patriotic fervor with which the Networks of NBC covered the American delegation that the delegation from Uzbekistan slipped in unnoticed. I’m sure they wouldn’t be disappointed to learn this.
· I love the scarf that the Canadian flag bearer is wearing. It’s a Hudson’s Bay design. I have that same thing as a blanket on my bed. They’re available from L.L. Bean.

They mentioned that it’s 70 degrees inside the BC Arena, where the Opening Ceremonies are being held. This is why we see the Bermuda delegation wearing bright red Bermuda shorts, with that woman wearing a red skirt. Yet, we also see many of the athletes wearing coats and winter apparel. Did they not get the memo that the ceremonies would be held indoors?

“Bang Your Drum”? I’m sorry, I know that this is supposed to be Inspirational, but this song is so trite I almost can’t even stand it. The rhyme scheme is atrocious, and can we just talk about those vocals for a second? Yeah, that’s what I thought. And, I hope you saw this part. That guy who’s singing with Nelly, who I’m sure is some famous singer but I don’t know who he is. When his first entrance came, he started singing about one and a half counts before he brought the microphone up to his face, and yet we could still hear him. Because they’re both lip-synching to this. You can’t have them do that live. Also, did we see that one First Person who was dressed in neon green traditional attire? Something tells me that they didn’t have that color of dye—nor neon pink, which I’m looking at as I type this—among the indigenous peoples of the Americas before the White Man came along.

I would LOVE it if a giant snowball fight broke out at the Olympic Village, a la that Coke commercial that just aired. Especially if the Swedish delegation shot the snow balls with hockey sticks instead of just throwing them. Hopefully the Networks of NBC will air this if it happens—maybe on Oxygen.

“We’re about to take a tour of the physical and the metaphysical.” This is what I hoped he was going to say. Alas, it was not to be. But we are going to take a tour of the physical.

I have mixed feelings about the giant blow-up Great Bear that inflated from the floor of the stadium just now. On the one hand, it’s a great idea and very appropriate. On the other hand it reminds me of Air Willie. I sort of don’t understand it.

It’s interesting to think that all of the imagery that happens on the floor of the stadium is video projection. The ice floe breaking away, the orcas, all just video. Except for the plumes from the whales. And the giant bolts of fabric that just shot up from the floor and connected with the ceiling and on which were projected the totem poles and tree trunks. Duh.

That violinist has giant hands, and he’s also leering at Sarah McLachlan. And he needs to practice his spiccato. I’m just saying. I do like the white Manhasset music stands, though; black would be so visually jarring. And Manhasset does make them in white; it isn’t like when Barbra Streisand visited the Oprah show and spray-painted Oprah’s mic white without Oprah knowing until it was revealed to her on air. P.S. Oprah was not a happy camper when that happened, at least not according to Kathy Griffin. There! He did it again!

Yes, yes, the fiddler is dueling with his own shadow in the moon. And it’s a very cool visual presentation. But the fiddler isn’t really playing. As usual when we see someone on TV playing the violin. Or singing, as noted above. At least, this time, the player is holding the instrument in the correct hand. Le sigh. Sigh.

WHY DOES EVERY VIOLINIST HAVE BROKEN BOW HAIR?? You need to rip that out before you come onstage! She’s got it, too. Also, none of them are actually playing. I mean, look, I understand that maybe you can’t have actual fiddlers playing live music for this. But it is the Olympics. If not for this event, then when?

I have to say I’m experiencing more than a little cognitive dissonance right now, what with the emo, Goth, alternative tattooed gentleman in the leather and kilt tap-dancing. Is tap a big part of the Canadian culture? Was I unaware? I guess part of the point of the Olympics is to educate us about the rest of the world….

Clickety? Bunging? Prairie-harp? W.O. Mitchell? Making up words? I mean, I guess clickety is pretty cromulent.

Alright. So I have to say that these Opening Ceremonies have been very beautiful up until now. And then we get the skates in red with those light bulbs at each joint. Half of them are red and half are white. And it’s just creepy. The whole thing is creepy. I could’ve definitely done without the light bulbs.

And now we’re going to slam poetry? Okaaayyy….

I hate when people say “sum total” instead of just “total.” I do enjoy, however, that he said, “From A to Zed, and yes we do say ‘Zed’ instead of ‘Z.’” I also—and you can call me cynical if you wish—don’t believe that he is composing this poem right now, which is what is implied by a poetry slam. I believe that he wrote this beforehand. I mean, if you can’t trust a fiddler to play the right notes live or Nelly Furtado and her nameless male counterpart to sing that disastrous song she wrote live, you can’t trust some yahoo poet to be able to slam poetry live in front of an international audience at the biggest sporting event in four years. Can you?

John Furlong needs to adjust that microphone. He’s taller than Jacques Rogge. Also, why does he get to give an address? Does this always happen at the opening ceremony? This was the point at which I flipped over to the Food Network to catch a little of Good Eats. My favorite. It was “Cuckoo for Coq au Vin,” the show in which they remake the classic French recipe for chicken fricassee with wine. Which is appropriate, since French is one of the official languages of the Olympics and, as Bob Costas and Matt Lauer so helpfully reminded us during the Parade of Nations, Canada as well. However, I’m guessing from his pronunciation that French is not one of the official languages of John Furlong. Jacques Rogge does not look impressed back there. I also checked back in on Alton and his unfortunate rooster during Jacques’ lengthy French-language half of his speech, which was untranslated and unsubtitled but which, I can only assume, was exactly the same as his English half.

No, I’m sorry. I cannot listen to this song. “Hallelujah” as performed by K.D. Lang? No. We’ll tune back in apres le performance est finis. I also fail to see how this song fits into the theme of the Olympic Games.

Well, the mystery has been revealed: Donald Sutherland is in the building. When we heard him reading those bizarre quotes about Canada, I was wondering if he was actually there or not. And he is! But of course, his voice-over quotes were pre-recorded. He’s an award-winning actor with a long and illustrious career, but you can’t trust him to say those lines correctly live in front of a huge international audience at the largest sporting event in four years. What if something goes wrong with the microphone or if he flubs a word? Like “bunging”? You’d be kicking yourself for not having prerecorded it.

Too much vibrato. Oh, she’s singing in English! And yes, I know I couldn’t do it better. Now she’s singing in French. And I bet that creepy big-handed violinist from the orchestra is leering at her. But luckily he’s off-camera for this.

Full Disclosure: I tuned away from the proceedings during the Oath and watched the climactic scene of A Few Good Men. I couldn’t handle the truth. But I tuned back to the Olympics just in time to see the end of the Torch Relay and the lighting of the cauldron. “Truth be told, they may be experiencing some sort of a mechanical difficulty here.” I agree. This is tragic, and I hope it is something they can manually fix. I feel so bad for the Olympic organizers, and especially the orchestra. How do they have enough music to play???? I also feel so bad for the fourth torch-bearer, the one who doesn’t have a leg to light. And Shaun White goes insane for the camera. How quaint. Now, here’s my question though: is the cauldron going to stay lit inside this stadium for the entirety of the Olympic Games? Does anything else happen in here other than the Closing Ceremonies? Ah, it was all just explained: there is a second Cauldron, which Wayne Gretzky, with torch, shall light, after these commercial messages. And this one, across town, is a bigger version of what the one inside was supposed to look like. Sweet!

In conclusion, the Opening Ceremonies were outstanding to watch, very beautiful, and quite enjoyable. I am super-pumped for the Olympics.

Reunion Recap

2009-11-27T21:55:00.002-06:00

Yes, Virginia, this weekend was the RHS 10-year reunion. I don't mind telling all of you out there in readerland that I graduated from high school ten long years ago. This reunion took place, not in [city where I live], nor even in [city where my parents live now, and where I consequently spent Thanksgiving], but rather in [city where I went to high school], which therefore meant that I had to drive five hours this morning from my parents' home to where this reunion was happening.

Vague enough for you?

It was quite enjoyable, actually. I'm very glad that I went. Here are the highlights, in no particular order:

1. Uh, you meet some interesting people at your high school reunion. You went to high school with them. This particular one took place at "The Paddock," in (I don't mind telling you) Devon, a bar, so that tells you something of the kind of event that it was likely to be. Now, if TV is any reliable indication (and we all know that it is, right), high school reunions often include cameo appearances by certain faculty members. I was hoping that this one would be not different. I would have been happy to see my high school band director, of course, maybe the orchestra director, uh, some others? Sadly, this was not to be; either the faculty was not invited or chose not to attend. This was only alumni.

But the people who are there! So, we got all kinds. The facebook event page only listed 26 people as having RSVP'd in the affirmative, but there were more there than that, luckily. I happened to walk in right after a clot of people who, in their day, had been the more popular. When they saw me, inside, they all a) remembered me and b) said hello and shook my hand. Interesting! I would've expected that they'd have either not remembered me or pretended to not remember me.

Actually, most of the people who were there did give me a very nice fake greeting. There were the few (whose names will be omitted to protect the innocent) who, as soon as we started talking, started looking around the room to see if there were anybody more important to talk to. Actually, only one person did this. You know who you are. But I did have a lot of nice superficial conversations with several people!

There were several people there that I was actually quite happy to see and to talk to, and I did have the chance to reconnect with them, which was really nice. And believe it or not, I did have some quite nice, real, conversations with people.

2. The cliques. Yes, in fact, you could totally see the high school cliques coalescing before your very eyes. It was very interesting to watch this. And then there were the people who were very intent on mingling, and who made their way around the room to make sure they talked to everyone.

3. Everyone that I talked to at length commented on how awkward it was. This was quite striking to me, actually. I mean, I figured, going in, that it would be awkward, and indeed it was rather awkward, but I was surprised at how readily everyone else talked about how awkward it was. You should also know that I love awkward, so just looking around and feeling the awkwardness was fantastic.

4. It was also interesting to note the number of people who came up and talked to me. Or, rather, the specific people who came up and talked to me. There were some of the popular kids or the kids who, uh, I didn't get along with in high school, and many of them seemed nice and, dare I say, genuine. I actually had a very nice conversation with a kid (yes, I'm still calling him a kid) that I barely associated with in high school, yet he recognized me, remembered me, and struck up a conversation with me. It was encouraging, as if we had all grown up.

5. I feel it necessary to inform you all that there was an open bar at this event for the first 2 hours, with a cash bar after that. I can also tell you, from the gin and tonic that I had, that the bartender was being, uh, generous with the liquor. I was desperately hoping that there'd be some out of control drunks at this event (because I'm a terrible person, is the unspoken second half of that sentence). There was at least one, so I was not totally disappointed, but the drunks, as a cohort, could have been more out of control.

6. I choose to believe that people judged me when I told them that I was a music teacher. Let's review. There is a college professor (tenure track at Berkeley. Eat your heart out. I already did), a Harvard law student, a would-be doctor, an actual doctor (with his Asian wife--I would call her a trophy wife but my parents read this blog)(he's also Asian and was a jerk in high school--a fact that he admitted this evening), and a medical resident in my class. They judged me. But whatever; at least they weren't surprised when I told them that I was doing something musical with my life. Except for one of the more or less out of control drinkers more towards the end of the night, who was surprised when I said that. "I didn't remember you as being that involved in music," she said. "Hello? Did you actually go to high school with me??" I wanted to say. C'est la vie.

7. Looking back on this blog entry, it's less humorous than I originally hoped, but the event itself was rather humorous. For those of you for whom your 10-year high school reunion has not yet happened, I definitely recommend going. Even if it's the day after Thanksgiving.

Thank You!

2009-11-16T22:52:00.001-06:00

http://money.cnn.com/galleries/2009/pf/0910/gallery.stressful_jobs/15.html

Long hours? Nah, it's okay: Just from 7:30 in the morning to 9:00 at night.

Stress? Nagging parents? I have no idea what you're talking about....

Another Rant

2009-11-11T20:27:00.004-06:00

I don't know what I would do without that page that shows up when I sign out of my Yahoo! mail account. They always have something interesting to tell me, and yesterday it was about Michael Phelps and the World Cup in Sweden, and how he didn't make it out of the heats in three events, and he was even DQ'd on the 100 backstroke.

"Are you kidding?" you're saying, "He hasn't written a blog posting in two months, and this is what he wants to talk to us about?" In fact, yes. This whole Michael Phelps thing has become kind of a running gag, so it totally makes sense. But we digress.

So of course I had to read the article. They're wondering if it might have something to do with the fact that he didn't wear a high-tech suit to this meet (Answer? YES!). This, of course, is because, come the new year, FINA is banning the high-tech suits. Which I think is a good thing.

You can read about the story here, which is pretty entertaining in its own right because (at least for me) it involves 1) Michael Phelps and 2) ignominy. However, my favorite part about this particular story as published by Yahoo! sports is the picture they chose to lead it with. Sure, Michael looks ugly with that beard, yadda, yadda, yadda (P.S.-doesn't he know that one doesn't wear a beard to a meet? I suppose he knew that, since he wouldn't be wearing the hi-tech suit, he'd lose anyway--and he said so in a later interview--so it didn't matter if he shaved down for this meet or not). And sure, he looks oh so sad in the picture, as if he's thinking about this missed opportunity. But what's really great is that it's a picture of him with a kickboard. I also choose to believe that, since he only has one hand on the board and we can't see his other hand, he's pulling on the lane lines--i.e., cheating.

What I actually thought when I saw this was, "Why does he have a kickboard? Is this a picture of the implement relay?" In actuality he's probably warming up or cooling down--or this is a stock picture from some time when he was practicing, and pulling on the lane lines like a lazy, non-high-tech, non-shaving slacker. Besides, everyone knows that, with his huge "wingspan"--cf. Bob Costa's segment from the 2oo8 Olympics--it would be ridiculous to put him on the kickboard leg of that relay; much better would be to have him on the pull buoy leg.

Then I thought how cool it would be to have an implement relay. Like the medley or the freestyle relay, it would have four members, but each one would have to swim with a prop that is often used in practice:

Kickboard
Pull Buoy
Flippers
Those Paddle Things with the Gross Surgical Tubing that Attach to Your Hands

The problem here, of course, would be the order of the relay. The flippers and paddles aren't a problem, but it's near impossible to dive into the pool with a kickboard. So the kickboard would have to start, in the water, much like the backstroke starts the medley relay (right? I'd hate to publish something incorrect on the internet). However, it's also rather difficult to dive into the pool from the blocks with a pull buoy between one's legs, so this could pose some problems. I'm sure FINA could work it out, right after they're done figuring out what kinds of suits should be legal or illegal.

I Don't Know How to Feel About This

2009-09-12T23:45:00.003-05:00

Well, the big news today was the sousaphone player who dotted the I in the script Ohio and knocked bells with the cameraman. You can watch for yourself, as if you haven't already seen it, here, both in real time and, at the end, in super slo-mo. And don't just skip to the super slo-mo, either. You have to endure the whole spelling of those four infernal letters in cursive marching band members.

Here are my issues with this:

1. In the interview he says that he's majoring in hospitality management? Okay.... But also, that he played trombone in HS and switched to sousa so that he could come to OSU and dot the I. Words fail me.

2. We are treated to watching the entire development of the script Ohio in this video. I've seen this drill a few times, and I'm always amazed at how slowly it develops. It takes a good almost 3 minutes for them to spell this thing. And the fans stand there and cheer for it for the whole time? And what is this music that they're playing? I can't even believe it.

3. This kid is intense. You can see it in the super slo-mo. He's drunk with power because of this I-dotting. You can see it in his eyes. Do you see what this does to people, OSUMB?? Also, and you can see this in the super slo-mo, right before the bow, he looks down right at the cameraman, first with just his eyes, and then with his whole head, as if to say, "you're about to eat bell." He totally knew he was going to hit that cameraman, and he also totally knew that this was his ticket out of sousaphone obscurity. I also blame you, ABC.

4. I don't uniformly hate it. I mean, okay, fine, it's good to give the sousaphones a chance to shine. And he gets to do that weird quasi-fast entry step with the drum major over to where he gets to dot the I, which I can't fault.

5. Here's my real problem, though: that this script Ohio got screen time. We can't get two seconds of NUMB doing the frickin' sculpted N, which I think is a much more visually effective element, and ABC shows three whole minutes of the slowest, most boring pregame drill since the Three-In-One? The only thing that made this good is that this insane sousaphone player, who otherwise would remain appropriately anonymous, almost took out a hapless cameraman who should've done his homework by watching some DCI shows and seeing how dangerous it really is to be on the field if you don't know what they're going to do, and even when you do, but who instead simply got too close for his own personal safety. I should send a nasty e-mail to ABC Sports, instead of just griping about it on this blog....

P.S., can we just talk about the Serena Williams meltdown? And how delicious it is?

Dear Serena:

You can't argue a foot fault. Why not? BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR OWN FEET WHEN YOU ARE SERVING. What's that you say? That you haven't had a single foot fault this whole year and now, at the U.S. Open, they're calling them left and right for you? Well, I'm sure it's because they're out to get you. Regardless, the next time you tell the lineswoman that you're going to shove that ball somewhere unpleasant, please make sure the mic isn't picking you up and broadcasting you to the whole entire world.

In conclusion, I love that this happened.

Sincerely,
Ephener of Mind

Can We Discuss...

2009-09-10T20:02:00.002-05:00

...people who bring their instruments into the restroom with them? Being, as I am, a musician, I see this more than you might want to believe. I certainly see it more than I would want to believe. I was at a rehearsal just this past Saturday morning (granted, it was for a marching/pep band, but that doesn't really matter overmuch), and some trumpet player brought their instrument into the restroom with them.

Now look. I can understand not wanting to put your trumpet down on the ground outside the bathroom. The floor is dirty. And the instrument would be unsupervised--who knows what could happen? I, too, would be horrified if I came back from the wash room and my beloved (school-borrowed) trombone was either gone or had the slide horribly mangled. I understand.

However, the public restroom is--how can I say this?--indescribably gross, at least in my oh-so-humble opinion. Just the idea of taking a wind instrument into the room and having the air in there touch the mouthpiece and then having to put that mouthpiece up against my mouth. Never. And we're not even talking about putting the instrument down somewhere while you do your business. Barf me out.

Let's just hope he was only doing number one.

Also, I have to give a shout-out to my parents, who apparently read this blog! Who knew? Hi, Mom.

I Don't Work Here, Lady

2009-08-15T23:54:00.003-05:00

So it's no use pretending that I'm out doing something that I enjoy this fine Saturday night in the middle of the summer by not posting something here. In fact I'm stuck at home, bored.

Today I went to Ikea to go furniture shopping, as I'll be moving soon and have to purchase some new furniture. I took a stenographer's notebook and a pencil with me so I could take notes on models, prices, dimensions, etc. I was wearing a black T-shirt and shorts. Sorry, Julia.

So, of course, while I was there, people came up to me to ask me if I worked there. Twice. Once, I was standing, waiting for the elevator, and someone walked up to me and asked me where the front of the store was. "Uh," I said. "Oh, you don't work here?" she said. "No," I said, "but I think the front of the store is that way."

Let's review.
1. Ikea employees wear a uniform, as do most employees of stores. At Ikea, it's a yellow polo shirt, very visible (I know, because when I was looking at kitchen tables and needed assistance, there were none within eyeshot) that says IKEA on it. I was wearing a black, very unstylish, T-shirt from Old Navy.
2. Shorts are, for the most part, not generally part of the dress code at most businesses that don't involve extensive work outside, work with plants or animals, or aren't Southwest Airlines. Ikea employees wear pants. I was wearing shorts, also from Old Navy.

This is starting to not be funny anymore, people. It's one thing when I accidentally wear a red polo shirt to Target and, as I walk in, wonder idly how many people will ask me if I work there (answer: generally between 1 and 3). It's another thing to go to Ikea wearing shorts and be asked for assistance.

Eye

2009-08-13T22:08:00.004-05:00

Here's why I love going to the eye doctor; it's the same reason why I love going to any doctor: they lie to you. Here are two salient examples:

1. The dentist. When I was a kid, whenever I'd go to the dentist for anything that required anesthesia, they'd always tell me that they'd begin by "spraying" my gums with anesthetic. But it would always hurt, and this made me wonder why: if they're only spraying, why the pain? Answer: because they were sticking me, not spraying me. Needles hurt.

2. The eye doctor, whom I saw today. Saw; get it??? Anyway. When they test the pressure of the vitreous humor in your eye, they give you the eye drops that numb the eyeballs, remember? And then they shine that beautiful blue light into your eyes? Today, the doctor told me that said light would "look like" it was "getting very, very close" to my eyes. Which in fact it did! Very close: it touches your eye! That's why they numb the eyes in the first place.

I don't even need to discuss the oft-repeated line, "you may feel some discomfort." My mother, the doctor, often discusses how this line is often followed by the application of the "drug" Brutane (anesthetic drug names often end with the suffix -ane), which consists of having several male nurses hold the patient down. The wonders of modern medicine.

Meta Vu

2009-08-13T00:56:00.002-05:00

Metadisturbationality? Close.

So, I'm having a major case of deja vu right now, and the weird part is, not only is it deja vu, but I feel as though the last time I was doing this, I was also having deja vu then. It's like we're stuck in an endless loop. And also, not only do I feel deja vu, but I know I was doing this once before, and that I was feeling deja vu then as well.

The, uh, crazy thing about this is that happens to me with some regularity. Welcome to my world.

HP @ S & I

2009-08-13T00:09:00.002-05:00

Okay, so here's the recap of the Harry Potter exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry. First, getting there IS half the fun, esp. if you take the green line to Garfield and then the 55 bus to S & I. Good times had by all, esp. if there is a clique of African American teenage boys on the bus and then a clique of African American teenage girls, who don't know them, board.

But I digress. The exhibit is in a tent in front of the museum. Here were the highlights:

1. Accents. Everyone that we met who works for the exhibit spoke in a British accent. We immediately decided that they were fake, obvi, and that the people were from Indiana. But I secretly hope that they're really from England. That's like a slap in the face for them.
2. The sorting hat. I was in a group of three at the time that we were allowed to enter. That's right--they're timed tickets. So we go in and the guy standing there--in Hogwarts robes and a freaky British accent--decided to have all of us get sorted. This was accomplished by him asking us what house we thought we belonged in and why--and then magically--as if by magic--the sorting hat put us into that house. I was sorted into Hufflepuff because I couldn't bring myself to say I thought I belonged in Gryffindor or Slytherin. I guess that's the mark of a Hufflepuffer.
3. So, the actual exhibit was pretty interesting. They had a lot of props from the films, and they were cool to see.
4. There was some interaction. First, they had mandrakes. Which you are supposed to pull from the ground. So, most of the items have signs in front of them that say "Please Do Not Touch." The mandrakes have signs that say "Please Pull." This struck us as funny at the time. It's not funny now. I shouldn't have written it. Anyway, you pull the mandrakes up and they scream, of course, but as the woman standing there informed us, they're young mandrakes, so they won't kill you. Lucky for us. I wish they had supplied earmuffs, just like Professor Sprout. There were four or five mandrakes there, and we amused ourselves by pulling them all up at the same time.
5. Quidditch. There's a whole room for quidditch, that sport of kings. There's an interactive part where you get to try to throw quaffles through the goals. Every time one goes through, it makes a sound. We must have stood there shooting quaffles for at least 5 to 10 minutes. Mine always got stuck at the bottom of the goal post, which was very sad. But it didn't keep us from doing this for 10 minutes.
6. They had costumes there, including Hagrid's. Actually, they recreated Hagrid's hut, including a chair that was enormous and that you could sit in. But they had his costume there, and it was giant-sized. Except, wait a minute. I'm pretty sure that Robbie Coltrane is a normal-sized human being; according to imdb he's 6'1". Nevertheless, they apparently flew in Hagrid's actual clothes from England for this exhibit.
7. Lucius Malfoy has the best clothes. They had a costume of his, and it was pretty fierce. I'm not going to lie.
8. The gift shop, which was pretty out of control. Natch, they had a bunch of overpriced merchandise. I came home with a magnet that has Track 9 3/4 on it, but I was really hoping for a life-sized replica of Neville's Mimbulus Mimbletonia*. You think I'm kidding. This they did not have, but they did have a collection of wands, a set of expensive but very creepy figurines of characters such as assorted Weasleys, Lupin, and so forth, as well as stuffed plush copies of the Monster Book of Monsters which, if you pulled the tongue (which was of course hanging out of the book), would growl/purr at you.

In conclusion, a good time was had by all.

*They did have the prop for this in the exhibit, though.

The Bean

2009-08-10T22:53:00.003-05:00

Let's talk about the bean. Last week I played tourist and visited downtown Chicago, eating at Ann Sather with some friends, then having a look around Millenium Park and then catching the Green Line to Garfield, then the 55 bus over to the Museum of Science and Industry for the Harry Potter exhibit (which was awesome--you should totally go).

But, the bean. I love the bean. I even took pictures!

I have two favorite parts about the bean. The first is the people. Nobody can resist taking pictures of themselves in the reflection of the bean. I love watching it. People walk right up and snap a picture of themselves point-blank, or they have their significant other take one with them doing something silly, like touching the surface of the bean over their shoulder or something. It's fascinating--but why? Why must we take pictures of ourselves in the bean? I elected not to.

My other favorite is the birds. You may not be able to see it in this picture, but there are always seagulls sitting on top of the bean. Which has to be a trip for them. But my favorite part is watching as one of them comes in for a landing. I've seen this several times, and it never ceases to amaze me. The bird comes in and tries to land, which has to be hard enough because the thing's reflective and all. It probably looks like he's trying to land on the sky, but whatever. The best part, though, is that the bean is slick, so when the bird plops down on it, he starts skidding all around. It's hysterical, truly. Ah, me.

I guess you had to be there.

Paula's Part-hey

2009-07-26T14:06:00.002-05:00

Has anyone else out there in Readerland seen the FN show "Paula's Party"? I rarely watch it, for reasons that shall become clearer as this post marches inevitably towards its fate. It's Paula Deen, y'all, and she's got a live studio audience and the show's supposed to be "fun" and "entertaining" and, dare I say, a "party." Well, it certainly is.

If you watch Paula's regular show, she seems like a very nice grandma-archetype. Very sweet, uses lots of butter, laughs a lot, and talks to the family's off-camera pet parrot. On that one episode of TNFNS, the season when Guy Fieri won, they visited Paula and she gave them words of advice. Very homey, down-to-earth, southron grandma style.

Then there's the trainwreck called Paula's Party, y'all. When she steps onto that set, she goes crazy. She's outta complete control. Here's a typical example.

The other day I was watching, and the show was all about chocolate. Yum. She brought on this pastry chef whose name I didn't care to remember, and when she was introducing him--before he came onstage, y'all--she told the audience about how cute and attractive he was. Barf. Oh, and also, by the by, that he's one of the best pastry chefs in the whole entire country, but that's only secondary in importance, to her, apparently. Then she butchers his name when she introduces him and he comes out on stage.

So he's making this chocolate spaetzle dessert thing (which actually did sound rather tasty), and the whole time, he and Paula are engaging in this disturbing ('cause she's fricking twice his age and PAULA DEEN), flirty, double-entendre dialogue. Here are some examples:

He comes out, and the first thing he says is that she looks too young to be a grandmother (liar), so he's going to ask her if she'll be his sugar momma (barf). P.S. who uses that expression anymore? He might as well have said that she's "the bomb." This isn't 1997.
Then, they're talking about cocoa nibs, and Paula mentions that she worked with these when she was on St. Lucia. He then proceeds to ask her if she has tan lines or no tan lines (ew). She says, "no tan lines." He says, "that's my girl" (creeper). She then clarifies by saying that she had no tan lines because she spent no time out in the sun (tragedy). Thank goodness that's why.
He made this chocolate mousse, and she says, "I stuck my finger in it, and it's delicious, y'all." First of all, that's gross, y'all. My reaction would've been, "Great. Now there's less mousse left for us to eat." But not this guy! He proceeds to lick it off of her finger (unsanitary).
Lastly, at the end of the bit, when the dessert is finished, they of course sample some of it. Paula tells everyone how tasty it is, y'all, and the guy rejoins with, "I make breakfast better" and they both have a nice hearty laugh, while, I can only hope, a cold shudder runs through the entire audience.

In conclusion, one can only wonder: which other FN celebrichef would this exchange have been more appropriate for?

a. Giada De Laurentis
b. Rachel Ray
c. Ina Garten
d. Ted Allen

Separated at Birth?

2009-07-25T23:08:00.003-05:00

I told you there'd be more of these.

Weird

2009-07-24T00:28:00.003-05:00

Check this out.

Also, this:

Historicity

2009-07-23T00:05:00.004-05:00

Istoricity?

1. Today I was listening to Talk of the Nation on NPR and, because it was Wednesday, the so-called "Political Junkie," Ken Rudin was doing his weekly thang. Uh, namely, talking about politics. Duh. Anyway, this led to him discussing the upcoming nomination of Judge Sonya Sotomayor (also, can we just talk about this picture of her on wikipedia? How wide does she look in that photo? Isn't there a better free picture of her? One that doesn't make her look like this?) with the host, Neal Conan, and this naturally led them to hearken back to the days when Robert Bork was up for nomination to the Supreme Court. You may recall, if you read (that's past tense) Dave Barry (he has a wobsite?)(he's still alive?), that Robert Bork was nominated to the Supreme Court and was not confirmed by the Senate because he had "a weenie beard." Try finding that reference is Dave Barry's oeuvre (Found it!). Anyway, Robert Bork. This led to the following exchange on the radio:

Neal Conan: And of course, Robert Bork then moved to Iceland and became a successful pop singer.
Ken Rudin: No, that's Bjork.
Neal Conan: Oh. Right.

He was joking, but it totally derailed the conversation. You know it's funny. Also, you have to click on the Bjork link, because the picture on the front page of her wobsite is hella trippy.

2. They also, on today's episode (that's the frame for this posting, and don't you forget it!), discussed the comment made by some Senator whose name I choose to not try to look up that this whole health care nightmare will be Obama's Waterloo. I kind of hope that it ends up being Obama's Trafalgar. Whatever that means.

Also, for those of you whose history is a little rusty, you may not remember (as I did not) that Napoleon's forces battled the "Third Coalition" at Trafalgar in 1805 and the "Seventh Coalition" at Waterloo in 1815. It took seven coalitions to defeat him. Seven.

Quickies

2009-07-20T00:32:00.003-05:00

1. This exchange:

My Father: You should consider yourself lucky that a meteor hasn't crashed into your apartment since you've been living there.
Me: Yeah, I suppose.

2. It's been, uh, several days since my posting that included mention of Merk the (former) Mattress Salesman, and he hasn't commented on it! If I can escape without him seeing that I wrote about him, I'll be happy. Phew!

3. Debbie Lee! Two weeks in a row that you should've been voted off TNFNS because of your, uh, iffy integrity? Let's review:

Bobby "Pretty Boy" Flay: Debbie, where are the capers?
Debbie "Teddy Folkman" Lee: [quickly--too quickly, if you ask me] They're in the dressing. Uh, capers? I didn't have capers? Did I? Oh, I must've forgotten them.
Me: THIS AGAIN?

Debbie. Bobby's not happy. Adam Gertler's not happy. EoM's not happy. The ghost of Teddy isn't happy. I've got a real problem with your integrity right now.

4. Crocs are on their way out. Have you heard? They were born of economic boom--in 2002, according to Yahoo!, and now they're losing money fast. And I say, good riddance. I hate crocs. Hate. I think they're just so tickety tack. What was the croc creator thinking? "Hmm, let's create a shoe that combines the worst aspects of a sandal and the worst aspects of a clog. And let's make it out of plastic, natch, and let's make them all brightly colored. And let's make some with fuzzy insides so people can wear them in the winter time."

However, one of my cello players says that crocs make excellent endpin rests. They never slip, and you always have an extra. Or you always have one shoe off and one shoe on.

I say down with crocs.

Harry Potter Recap

2009-07-19T00:11:00.002-05:00

Okay, so if you know me, you know that I like to pick out, uh, unusual things about things. Some might call it minutae. I call it quirky. Anyway, this blog about the newest Harry Potter movie (woot!) won't discuss the usual things you might be able to find by looking for, you know, reviews or such as.

Let me first state that I enjoyed the movie. Yes, I know you're going to say that it was different than the book, and it was. But I enjoyed it anyway. And honestly, other than the last (ish) scene, which they did change, what with the invisibility cloak and all, I really don't remember the book specifically enough to be able to be offended by the all of the changes that they supposedly made. Oh, and also all of the characters which they supposedly deleted, like the Dursleys. I know we're all so devastated that they weren't in this movie.

My favorite parts? In no particular order.

1. Full disclosure. I'm a Neville fan. I like Neville's character in the books, and I do even enjoy his portrayal in the movies, despite the fact that Matthew Lewis does, like, uh, many British folk, need (in the words of my high school English teacher) a good orthodontist. That being said, I LOVED the scene in the movie when Neville is a waiter at Slughorn's holiday party. I thought it was hysterical. And I'm sure that Neville was just happy to be there. I also enjoyed the moment when Harry was straightening Neville's uniform. So precious.

2. Remember when Harry et al. are going to Hogsmeade, and they're "following" Slughorn, and they run into Prof. Flitwick, who is heading back to Hogwarts? And he says it's because there's an "emergency choir rehearsal"? This may have been my favorite part of the movie. It's so true to life! What? Everyone's hanging out in Hogsmeade? Sorry, I can't; I have rehearsal. Have a butterbeer for me. Man, I can't tell you how many times that's happened to me.

P.S., I would totally be the music teacher at Hogwarts. They can call me up any time. Except, and I've said this to people, when you use a baton for a living, the idea of a magic wand kind of isn't as special anymore. Nevertheless, when Flitwick retires, I'm so all over that.

3. So, at the theater where I saw this, they seemed to be having some, uh, troubles? with their sound system. I can only imagine it's because of how many times they've shown this movie since, uh three days ago when it came out. This reminds me of when I went to see "Home Alone" in the theaters and the reel BROKE in the middle of the show. And we were all just sitting there in the theater. I don't even remember what happened after that.

But, at the end of this movie, when it's all tender, and Dumbledore is [spoiler alert!], and Harry and Hermoine and Ron (well, sort of; Ron's kind of sitting off to the side while Harry and Hermione are sharing a moment) are having a, uh, moment, the soundtrack was going totally wonky. It was that kind of distortion that you get when the track is being run at an uneven speed. Thanks. Thanks for ruining it, uh, whoever you are.

4. Two words. Draco Malfoy. Tom, I know you're judging me right now--actually, you probably don't even read this blog--but I thought that Draco's character was very compelling in this movie. And, if you listened to interviews with Tom Felton, he says so (Do you like how I deftly changed verb tense in the middle of that sentence? Do you like how I don't bother to go back and correct it?): he talks about how, in the previous movies, Draco is simply "a git," and a two-dimensional character, but in this one, he really goes through some growth and some emotional whatever. And I agree. I thought his portrayal was quite good, given that it's Harry Potter and all that. Good times! Draco's actually interesting, finally.

5. I just really wish they'd gotten the same actor to play Tom Marvolo Riddle as they did in the Chamber of Secrets. It would've brought some continuity to the series, I really think. Okay, so I know it doesn't really matter, but still. A guy can hope, can't he?

So, in all, I thought that the latest installment of HP was very quaffable. Can't wait until next year, when we get the first HALF of book 7, and then TWO YEARS FROM NOW, when they release the finale of finales.

Humble Pie

2009-07-16T22:59:00.005-05:00

So much has happened since my posting yesterday, none of it interesting! But isn't that always the way it goes. It so happens that much of it has to do with food.

So, first off, I have to eat some crow here, or as some would say, humble pie. You can educate yourself about the fascinating history of humble pie here, and the main thing to note is that humble pie comes from "umble" pie, which is a word that has nothing to do with humble. But! Apparently h's are optional when it comes to (h)umble, so in onor of that, h's will be optional at the start of words in this posting from ere on out. Isn't that so fun???? P.S., yes, for the last time I am aware that wikipedia is not an acceptable source. Deal.

Now, you may be itching to know why the umble. It as to do with Michael Chiarello, whom I was causally dissing in a previous posting about is upcoming role on Top Chef: Masters, in which I said that e [that's the best one so far] is only a celebrity chef on the FN and isn't really a chef at all. It turns out that e's got some serious chops ere. E won both the quickfire and the elimination challenge. Who knew? Actually, one of the funniest moments in the episode was when one of the other chefs was all like, "well, Michael doesn't really have a restaurant right now, so we don't know how he'll do." And then e beat you. Sucka!

I also loved, in this quickfire, the fact that one of the chefs didn't finish the challenge. Uh, duh. You ave to finish the challenge. And e was all like, "I watched Top Chef and I remember what happened when someone didn't finish the quickfire." Really? I don't remember that ever appening before: every chef, that I can remember, as finished the quickfire and presented at least something to the judges. Right? Admittedly, I didn't watch season one, but I think this is the first time that a chef as ad nothing to present after the quickfire. C'est la vie.

Speaking of food, you may recall my obsession with new fad soft drinks. "Pop," as we say here in [region where I live]. If not, you should consult the posting titled "Our Target Market is the Rich and Stupid," in this very blog. I'm not linking to it. But, there's a new fad: Pepsi Throwback. You might ask yourself, "ow did I get ere?" And you may ask yourself, "why another Pepsi?" I asked this very question myself, but it turns out that P:T is made with sugar, not corn syrup, and it's much better than regular Pepsi. You should try it.

However, the Coke Zero Mystery still persists. Coke Zero tastes surprisingly less disgusting than Diet Coke, yet the ingredient lists read surprisingly similar. Ear me now and understand me later, ye of little faith: Coke Zero contains aspartame. Check the label.

Finally, as anyone else noticed the show "Cake Boss" on The L Channel? It's about a pastry chef in NYC who makes cute cakes in different designs and shapes, and the little uman dramas of the bakery. [H]ow quaint! Perhaps I should start watching this show. Oh, wait. I already do. It's called "Ace of Cakes," and it's been on the FN for about three years now. Am I the only person who has noticed this? I just ope that TLC will come out with a show called "Chef Boss," in which a bevy of young, up-and-coming chefs compete in various challenges in which their cooking prowess, their ingenuity, their creativity, and their personality are challenged; in which, each episode, they are judged by a panel of chefs and, one by one, eliminated, until only one is left standing; perhaps this chef can win a large sum of money, appear at the Aspen Food and Wine Festival, get some kind of deal with Food and Wine magazine, and be declared Top Chef! I mean, Chef Boss. It's a working title.

P.S. I bet you've all forgotten this.

Updat'd!

2009-07-15T20:01:00.006-05:00

It's hard to come up with a posting every day. Let's go bake some cookies for the boys.

Today I remembered this posting, in which I droned on and on about my new purchase of a mattress. This was, believe it or not, in November, eight months ago. Specifically, I remembered a comment to that posting by a "Merkin Muffley," who I only hope is actually the President of the United States (too obscure of a reference? I know; I had to look it up too.), who claimed to work at a mattress store. In his comment, he wrote

Hahahaha. You bought a sleep number? Those beds are complete [expletive deleted]. I'll give you a couple of months before you start waking up with a sore back. How do I know this? I SELL mattresses (quite poorly might I add), and Sleep Number is by far our highest returned bed. Have fun and good luck.

Something tells me that he actually did not wish for me to have good luck. But he did have good luck! Because, if you read his blog, as I did just now, you'll note that a) he now has two blogs, though he confines himself mostly to his second blog; b) he's no longer a mattress salesman, which he apparently hated doing; and, c) he had to move back home. Sadness.

Well, Merk, you'll be happy to know that I still have my Sleep Number, and--just as Lindsay Wagner predicted--I do not wake up with a sore back. Say hi to the folks for me.

P.S.

The Irony

2009-07-14T12:00:00.003-05:00

So, if you watched TNFNS this week, you saw Debbie's downfall. So did Adam Gertler, whose web-based vlogs on each week's episodes are becoming my new favorite awkward obsession.*

Here's the thing. Does anyone else note the ironic twist of history (twistory, if you will?) that brings Debbie right back to a quasi-Teddy scenario? Teddy, you may recall, was the contestant who flung everyone else, including Debbie, underneath "the bus" earlier in the season. And Debbie was all like, I can't believe he did this to me, "I have a real problem with your integrity right now," and such as. And here she is, saying this week to the judges that she felt she was being "pretty selfless" in the kitchen. Barbara Tuchman would be proud.**

And yes, this blog does have footnotes now, apparently. Also, this particular posting may not have been, what's the word?, necessary, but I did feel I had to give props to my homeboy Adam's vlog, and I got to reference B.T. too.

__________
*I love awkward.
**"History never repeats itself. People always do." (although, in this case, she's not technically repeating herself, but you get the idea.)

Has Anyone Noticed...

2009-07-12T22:27:00.005-05:00

...that the Beauxbatons, uh, girls, are doing the macarena in the scene right before the champions rush headlong into the maze in "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire?" In case you either a) weren't watching Harry Potter ALL FRICKIN' DAY today like I was and/or b) don't remember, you may observe the following (it occurs at 0:10 and 1:05ish and 1:50 and 2:39 and 3:15 and 3:57, but you may want to watch the whole thing because it's hysterically awful)(by the way, if you're watching this at work, you may want to utilize headphones, because it is Shania Twain, and people, like cameras, can be pretty judgy. Right, Michael?):

I do have to say, though, that when they have Hermione talking to Fred and George about the ageing potion, and it's quasi-synched with Shania's lyrics, that's rather amusing.

Lest you think that all I did ALL FRICKIN' DAY today was watch Harry Potter (what would've given you that impression?), I'd also like to give a shout out to:

1. My homegirl Debbie, who narrowly escaped elimination on TNFNS this week, although I didn't watch the episode because I was too busy watching Goblet of Fire. Thank goodness for the 11:30 showing. AND, it seems as though, next week, they're going to take away all of her Asian ingredients? What will she do? Because, you know, she is Korean.
2. The unfortunate Garrett Weber-Gale, who lost in a swim-off to relay teammate Cullen Jones for the second spot on the team for the 50-free. But they're both going to Rome as part of the relay team, of which it's starting to look like good ole' Garrett may be the weakest member. But at least he can cook:

Except, can we talk about those glasses? No? Maybe he should just get in touch with Ira Glass.

Viva la Revolucion (AKA OMG, A Real Post!)

2009-07-12T00:08:00.012-05:00

There are, at this very moment, not longer ago than it took me to log in and start typing this post, people outside my apartment who are setting off fireworks.

I hate those people.

In other news, I would like to share a new blog with all of you. It's called andIamnotlying.com. Yes, I could have made that a link, but I chose not to. I heard about it on This American Life yesterday. Rather entertaining.

Also, has anyone noticed the sheer size and magnitude of Ira Glass's glasses?

In this one, he almost looks normal (perhaps it's because we're looking at him in profile):

Or maybe it's the duck. Also, I love this picture of him. Though, actually, I think he looks a little bit like Michael Chiarello in it. Who, incidentally, YOU thought was just some celebrity chef with a low-grossing show on the Food Network (when was the last time you watched "Easy Entertaining with Michael Chiarello"? That's what I thought.), but will be appearing on "Top Chef Masters" this week! As if he were a real chef! This should be the most entertaining cooking-related disaster since Rachel Ray appeared on "Iron Chef America" (remember that one, boys and girls? She teamed up with one of the Fe Chefs, and Giada teamed up with a more different one). Or at least since Katie served raw meat THREE TIMES to the judges on "The Next Food Network Star." But I digress. This one of Ira, which is much more common on the Google, shows him in the worst possible light in this worst of all possible, uh, worlds:

I guess it's lucky that he works on the radio. But wait! The show's also on TV! Will wonders never cease.

P.S. Ira, if you're reading this, I love your show.

Also, can we just talk about this for a moment? You have to watch the whole thing.

Let's go through this:

Adam is so awkward! I love awkward. But not spelling it, as I had major trouble that second time.
Debbie is MY homegirl. Let no one evah forget that. She's also, in case you haven't heard, Korean.
Judgy is not a word, Michael.
Two words: SLO MO. Actually, neither of those is a word.

But, it was Adam Gertler, star of the Food Network show, uh, wait, I know I remember it....Oh that's right, "Will Work For Food." You may recall that he was a finalist on a previous "Food Network Star," right? And, if memory serves, I didn't really watch that season.

I mean, if memory serves, that wasn't his original show concept. But at least he has a show. Let's review, shall we, the graveyard that is "The Next Food Network Star." There's even a convenient little page on the FN wobsite that tells us where they are now.

Season One: Winners, "The Hearty Boys," are, according to their wobsite bio, "nationally recognized television hosts, trend setting caterers, dynamic restaurateurs and esteemed cookbook authors with little more than 'accidental food expertise.'" Sure they are. I believe their show on the FN was cancelled.

Season Two: Winner, Guy Fieri, still has a show on the FN. Actually, he has three, all of which are based on his original concept, which is that he's annoying. You know it's true. To this day, I wish Reggie had won. P.S. Guy, if you're reading this, I actually don't like your shows. Sry.

Season Three: Winner, Amy Finley. That's right. If you click on her picture on the wobsite, you get navigated to this page. I rest my case. But they were all zeros on this season.

Season Four: Winner, Aaron McCargo, Jr., who does currently have a show on the FN, which may also be based on his original concept. He's solid. I'm down, though I do not, truth be told, watch his show very much. Oh, right, and Adam was a runner-up or something, and now he has a show of his very own, American Idol-Runner-Up Style.

So, the history is somewhat spotty for winners of TNFNS. Debbie, you in danger, girl. And not just from Michael and his sheet pans.

For Old Times' Sake

2009-07-09T00:36:00.001-05:00

Or is it "old time's sake"? Either way.

The, uh, next question is: will I ever post anything here other than commercials I find on youtube? Well, jeez, what else do you think the blagoblag is for?

Here

2009-07-07T23:38:00.001-05:00

I know that SOME of you aren't fans. But still.

[untitled]

2009-06-18T20:50:00.003-05:00

My Father: Well, you know the reason why you have to milk the cows before the sun goes down an night, right?
Me: So that the cow doesn't explode with milk in the middle of the night?
My Father: Well, yes, that.
My Mother: [laughing] But that's apparently not the most important reason.
Me: Okay, so what is?
My Father: Because it's too hard to milk the cow while it's lying down.
Me: Oh, like after it's gone to sleep.
My Father: Yes.

Nothing Easy is Ever Simple

2009-06-17T22:57:00.001-05:00

Me: So, tell the truth. Being able to do laundry in your home without having to go anywhere...
My Father: ...is one of life's greatest joys.
Me: Is it as good as I'm imagining?
My Father: Yes.

Commercials

2009-06-06T23:25:00.004-05:00

Because we don't see enough of those. But I feel that, if I share funny commercials here, I am at least spreading joy. Which is a total crock, since nobody ever reads this.

This one I find hysterical.

It's particularly funny because teachers refer to students as "our kids" all the time. We also, I'll have you know, refer to the parents of our students as "our" parents. As in, the choir teacher might say, "I hate my parents," and I have to remember that she's (probably) not talking about her biological parents. Or she might say, "My parents bought me a CD recorder." Which means the Choir Boosters, obvi.

And this one is for old time's sake:

Unfortunately I couldn't find the one about the Comcast Powerboost about the rabbit cross-bred with the cheetah with rockets and the over-caffeinated fighter pilot on ice, also on a ski jump under better than ideal conditions. But it's funny too.

The School Year is Winding Down

2009-06-03T20:48:00.003-05:00

Which means I have time once again to write about my stupid boring life. Except not really, because I have a bajillion stupid papers to grade, finals to write and grade, final grades to give and so forth. I think I'll do my comments tonight, even though grades aren't due for another 10 days.

Right now I'm sitting here watching "Whatever, Martha!" on Fine Living Network. You have to watch this show. Here's why. It's Martha Stewart's disillusioned daughter and her weird catty friend, sitting on a couch, watching old episodes of Martha Stewart Living, and making fun of it. What's not to love?

I'm doing this instead of going to the gym. Why am I not going to the gym? I convinced myself that, since I don't have a water bottle here at home (both of them wound up at work. weird!), it wouldn't be wise to go work out. One must stay properly hydrated when one is exercising!

You Have to Watch This

2009-03-19T22:44:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you've already seen it though.

http://www.getback.com/video/van-halen-jump-live/3038046

I Am So Pumped that Stefan Didn't Win

2009-02-25T21:58:00.002-06:00

Don't know what I'm talking about? WHAT?

I do, however, kind of wish Carla had won. She tanked in this final challenge because she didn't cook her food. She let what's-her-face influence her cooking too much. Sous vide? Puh-leese.

I mean, I guess I'm glad that Hosea won, right? Right? At least it wasn't Stefan.

I Hate This Kind of Weather

2009-02-08T19:49:00.002-06:00

Here's why. It feels like spring, right? The warm weather, the melting snow, the days are even getting longer!!!! Oh, isn't it fabulous, you say? "I didn't even have to wear a coat today." Or, "I wore shorts and sandals today in Wichita."

But! It's still February. It's going to get cold again. It's going to even snow again, more than likely. Spring isn't coming, despite the unseasonably warm weather and the fact that we can see the ground again.

But, happily, last night, because the snow melted, the bunnies that live on the property here had the opportunity to eat some grass again. So cute!

Oops

2009-02-07T22:54:00.003-06:00

So, here's something quasi-interesting that happened to me this afternoon. At Jewel, they often have a cart of "clearance" merchandise near the back of the store. There's a sign on said cart advertising that this food or whatever is marked down. Sometimes they have multiple carts.

So I was at Jewel this evening, and I happened past a few carts sitting near the back of the store. One said that it was clearance merchandise, and there was a bunch of disgusting stuff in it, including what looked like sauces that had been bottled by--yes!--a dog food company. This is sounding more and more bizzare, I'm aware. Next to this cart was another, with food it in, including a bag of tortilla chips. This I grabbed out of the cart to see how much it cost. At this precise moment a woman walks up and puts an item of food into the cart.

My change of verb tense should signal the shock that I felt. Yes, Virginia, this cart belonged to a customer, and I was picking her food out of it. How embarrassing. I apologized, and she handled it with considerable grace.

"If you're interesting in those, they're over there a few aisles over," she said.

I didn't end up buying any.

Phelps

2009-02-05T22:32:00.004-06:00

Well if there's one thing that could bring me out of my non-postage-ness, it's the new news about Michael Phelps. I'm loving every second of it. There, I said it. Feel free to hate me forever, as if you don't already. First he loses his Kellogg's sponsorship, and then he's suspended for 3 months by USA Swimming, or whatever it's called.

Wait a minute. He's been suspended from competition for three months? What, exactly, is the punishment here? Are there some spring 2009 Olympics that I've been woefully unaware of until now? Have the World Championships been moved up? [quickly checks Google to make sure this isn't actually the case--wouldn't that be a hoot!] Nope! Wikipedia informs me, oh so reliably, that they're in July, which, if memory serves, is the seventh month. It is currently the second month. This means that M.P. will be well off of his probation by the time it's time to go Tiger Woods on the rest of the swimming community. Thanks, USA Swimming!

Why Haven't I Posted?

2009-01-22T22:39:00.001-06:00

Because:

1) I'm not funny, and
2) I'm not interesting.

Hopefully these things will change at some point. Surely, if they do, you'll be the first to know.

I Don't Sleep Anyway

2009-01-06T22:57:00.003-06:00

So instead of lying in bed pretending to try to sleep, I thought I'd share with you two recent conversations at [school where I work].

Conversation No. 1 (1/5/09)

Scene: the hallway. I, the choir teacher and several students happen to be walking towards the band room at the same time.

Student 1: Mr. Riggs, we've figured out why you like it that everyone likes you [I disagree. -ed.]. It's because when you were in high school, you were unpopular, so this is your way of being popular in high school again.
Choir Teacher: [laughs hysterically]
Me: [aghast]

Converstaion No. 2 (1/6/09)

Scene: Part of a larger conversation between the band and choir directors.

Choir Director: [Student] was saying that, even though the kids like you, you're so sarcastic that they can't tell if you like them back.
Me: What? Listen, I've toned down the sarcasm since I got here.

Only a Matter of Time

2009-01-03T15:40:00.001-06:00

Another video? This comes courtesy of Opera Chic. I don't know which is funnier: the video, or the commentary.

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2008/05/robot_conducts_detroit_symphon.html

High Note Trumpet National Anthem

2009-01-02T23:36:00.003-06:00

You have to watch the entire thing. Well, okay, the last 12 seconds aren't that funny, but you have to watch the first 1:48. It will change your life.*

Also, please to note how many of these notes (get it?) are untimely ripp'd from these, uh, musicians' embouchures. Somewhere, the Cavaliers are happy.

I only wish I could find the Boyz II Men rendition of the SSB, for contrast. Not to spoil it or anything, but they interpolate a whole verse of "My Country 'Tis of Thee"--in 4, mind you--in the middle of the national anthem. But, alas, I cannot find it on youtube.

* for the worse.

Interlude

2008-12-26T17:54:00.002-06:00

So, I know I've bored you before by subjecting you to stories about how I've been mistaken for store employees when I'm shopping. But it happened again today, and this time I'm not to blame.

I'm here in West Virginia, visiting family, and I was in some store shopping at the after-Christmas sales. It was either J.C. Penney; Target; Bed, Bath & Beyond; or Barnes & Noble. And yes, they do have these stores here in WV. I was not even wearing the uniform either: I was wearing jeans, a mock turtleneck, and a coat. And I hadn't shaved. And this old lady asked me if something was on sale. I said I didn't know. And she said something about how she thought it looked like I was putting something back on the display or something. Whatever.

Isn't this fascinating??? I pity those of you who read this posting.

Midwest Recap, Part 1

2008-12-23T19:22:00.003-06:00

Ah, Midwest. The Midwest Band and Orchestra Clinic, an International Band and Orchestra Conference. It's a music educator thing. But there are some items of interest (maybe) for the rest of us. Let me begin by saying that it happens in December in Chicago, at the Chicago Hilton and Towers and surrounding environs. Because there's nothing quite so magical as Chicago in December, and going to a conference when you could (sometimes) be already on winter break. But alas. The conference consists of a series of informational lectures and performances by high school, college, and (semi-)professional instrumental ensembles. Enough backstory.

1. I've noticed that there are four types of clinic/lecture at Midwest, as at any music education conference:

Some person who's written a book and gives a lecture in order to try to sell said book. I've been to several of these, and I've even bought two books from people who've been giving these talks. I try to avoid these if I can tell beforehand that that's what it's going to be.
Some teacher bragging about their program. Generally these take the form of a teacher showing us "what's worked for them" so we can try to use these same strategies."Here's how we've incorporated music technology into our band and orchestra program!" Or the school in Texas that has a band program of almost 800 students, giving a talk about recruitment and retention: "Here's what worked for us." Just think about that for a moment: a band program of almost 800. Sometimes it's more subtle, though: at IMEA one year a bassoonist/band director was giving a talk on tips for successful bassoonists and brought, to demonstrate, an ensemble, coached by her, consisting entirely of bassoonists that she teaches. How quaint. I generally try to avoid these as well.
Some professional player showing off. These also generally take the form of someone trying to offer help for specific instruments: "Fix your front row: tips for a successful flute section" and so forth. But often it degenerates into the clinician just playing a mini-concert for us and showing off how good they are. I generally try to avoid these.
Information you should've learned in college. Many other clinics are information that I already know, and that you should too. Such as that being a conductor is not all about you. Or that the warm up should relate in some way to the rest of rehearsal. Or that the ideal relationship between the director and the ensemble consists of three steps: 1) the ensemble is playing, 2) the director is listening, 3) the director gives the ensemble some kind of feedback. Really?? I try to avoid these as well.

So what's left?

2. Concerts. These are given by impossibly good ensembles, the kinds of ensembles that YOU will never in a million, jillion years ever have the possibility to work with. And much better than the band you were in when you were in high school. I usually like to go to these concerts because they are, at least, entertaining.

3. The exhibit hall. This is where the real fun begins. Tons of music companies, publishers, sellers, colleges, professional organizations, and other groups that are in some way associated with music education, set up booths and hawk either their products/services, the things that they sell, or free information and tchotchkes. This is sometimes useful, as with the service bands (such as the Marine Band, the Navy Band, etc.), which often give away free reference CDs of music. Music that you generally don't want to have recordings of, but whatever, they're free.

It's also entertaining because there are instrument manufacturers there, and there are constantly people who are "trying out" the instruments. Sometimes it's students, who are supposedly there because their ensemble will be giving a concert, who are showing off by playing the instruments. As often, however, it's the music educators who are showing off by playing the instruments. I, as a rule, don't, because I'm not good enough at any instrument to show off. But it's fun to listen to, especially when I walk past a group of kids playing "Pirates of the Caribbean."

Also because one of the companies, Miraphone, gives away keychains that are shaped like little brass mouthpieces. Cute!

The best part of the exhibits, though, is when they close. The exhibitors don't want to have to take all their [expletive deleted] home with them, so during the last 10-15 minutes on the last day of the exhibits, they're trying to get rid of whatever they can. I love to cruise the exhibit halls during this time. My first year I got a book and a whole raft of free percussion mallets (which I've rarely used); last year I got a free little pad that cleans off the gunk from woodwind keys and pads. This year, however, I got nothing. Nobody was giving anything away. I blame the economy.

4. One of the other kinds of things being sold in the exhibit halls are conducting batons. There are three makers that have booths at Midwest, and I LOVE watching people shop for batons. It's really very much like when Harry Potter goes shopping for a magic wand. The person walks up to the table and selects one that seems like it is the right size and shape. If it has a pretty or unusual handle, that helps. They conduct a few measures of imaginary music, give a few cues, perhaps try a few stabs or shakes. And, if nothing goes flying around the room and there are no explosions, then this may be a good baton for them. I have a baton from Midwest, and I love it.

The core is phoenix tailfeather.

Marshmallows for Roasting

2008-12-21T18:47:00.004-06:00

So, since I'm now on winter break, I apparently am going to be posting every day whether I have something pithy or not.

Today I had the privilege of flying from [city where I live] to Pittsburgh to visit family. The flight left [name redacted] International Airport at 6:30 am, and while I was on the monorail traveling from the parking lot to the terminal, I became acutely aware of a family that was also there. The father and the younger son (approx. 10-12) we each wearing a hoodie and shorts. The father was wearing, basically, sandals. Oh, did I mention that the temperature was approximately 0 out, with a wind chill of about -20? Here's the conversation I wanted to have:

Me: So.

Father: Don't talk to us, creeper.

Me: Going somewhere warm?

Father: Yes, we're going to Cancun for the holidays, if you must know.

Me: How fun! But do you realize that it's zero degrees here, child abuser?

Father: What?

Me: There are no degrees here!

Father: But we're going somewhere warm.

Me: But you're coming from here!

Alas, I didn't have that, or any other, conversation with them. I also missed my flight because I'm a [expletive deleted] and I ended up flying to Cleveland and having my good old dad drive another 2 hours to pick me up there. Fun. But, while waiting on standby to board the flight, I noticed that I would be sharing the plane with the College of Wooster men's basketball team, some of whom were wearing shorts. And, as we were standing in line inside the terminal, waiting to go down the jetway, there was so much cold air coming in from the subzero taiga AKA Chicago that my breath was fogging up. Inside the airport. It was even colder in the jetway, where we had to wait to get on the plane. What follows is an actual conversation between a shorts-wearing gentleman and a teammate:

Shorts-Wearer: That's officially the coldest I've ever been in my life.

[Me: That's because you're a freak!]

Teammate: Yeah, I was laughing my [expletive deleted] off at you.

...

Shorts-Wearer: So, what if they got on the PA and said that the heater on the plane was broken, and that you could still fly to Cleveland if you wanted to tough it out, but there'd be no heat? Or, you could wait 5 hours and take the next flight, which would have the heater working. What would you do?

Teammate: I'd tough it out.

Shorts-Wearer: Me too.

Teammate: It'd be harder for you, though. The way I'm dressed, I could handle it.

Had enough? It gets less entertaining from there.

So the traveling was entertaining, if infuriating.

We're Still Experiencing Winter Wonderland Conditions

2008-12-20T20:54:00.002-06:00

Yes, Virginia, it's snowing again. Some thoughts, in no particular order.

1. Yes, Josh, I got your card today. As of this posting, you're the only of my frenemies who's sent me one.

2. You know the song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"? Remember the second verse?

There'll be [something] for toasting [right?],
Marshmellows for roasting,
And carolling out in the snow.

That's all well and good; it's the second stanza where things start to get a little dicey:

Scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories
Of Christmases long, long ago.

Is anyone else weirded out by this? Why will there be scary ghost stories? This isn't Halloween, and I think any family whose Christmas tradition includes scary ghost stories is either terrifying or awesome. I'm leaning towards terrifying.

I do enjoy, however, that when we get to the part about the glories of Christmases long, long ago, the music takes a deft modulation to the relative minor (it's a Phygian cadence on "long ago" if you must know), which makes that line so much more portentious. And by "enjoy," I mean, "mostly enjoy, but also judge the composer a little bit."

3. I saw someone at the mall today wearing shorts. How's that for bizzare [sic]?

4. There was more, but of course it all happened (suddenly, as with everything) while I was driving, so I can't remember it now.

Snow Day

2008-12-19T23:50:00.002-06:00

We had a snow day today. Here are the reasons why I was NOT fan:

1. It was the last day before break. The problem with this is that I probably missed out on so many Christmas gifts from my students! All those students who were planning to give gifts to the music staff on the day before break now likely won't ever give us gifts. And the other music teachers still haven't exchanged their gifts with me.

But whatever. I haven't received a single solitary Christmas card in the mail, even though I sent mine more than a week ago.

2. Even though we didn't have school today, we still had a basketball game this evening at which the basketball band was expected to play. And did play.

3. I actually kind of wanted to have the "holiday assembly" today so that the student teacher would be able to see the orchesis dance and observe the "strutting," which, truly, is indescribable. I also wanted to see it.

4. Snow is annoying.

But, I did get to go to Midwest today--the Midwest Band and Orchestra Clinic--which I didn't think I'd be able to do if we had school. So that was fun. Full Midwest recap coming up.

A Post on Thanksgiving?

2008-11-27T21:32:00.003-06:00

Yes, Virginia.

As I sit here watching the end of the Texas/A&M game, with Texas A&M hopelessly losing to Texas (as usual), and with the commentators talking about the Big 12 North and the Big 12 South, I am reminded of one of those eternal questions: Should the Big Ten divide a la the Big 12 or the SEC and have a championship game? The answer to this, of course, depends on many things, but one of them is the issue of how exactly we would divide the conference. It's a little harder when you have 11 teams. Thanks, Penn State. Of course, one possibility would be to invite Notre Dame to join the conference to make a nice round dozen. But that's not really a possibility. We don't want you, Notre Dame, and I don't care who knows it.

So, how to divide? Well, in the spirit of the holidays, I thought I would offer some possibilities.

1. Big Ten East vs. Big Ten West.

East: Penn State, Ohio State, Indiana, Purdue, Michigan, Michigan State.
West: Illinois, Northwestern, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa.

2. Big Ten North vs. Big Ten South.

North: Michigan, Michigan State, Northwestern, Wisconsin, Minnesota.
South: Penn State, Ohio State, Indiana, Purdue, Illinois, Iowa.

3. Big Ten Founding Members vs. Big Ten Lite [working title].

Founding: Illinois, Michigan, Minnesota, Northwestern, Purdue, Wisconsin.
Lite: Indiana, Iowa, Michigan State, Ohio State, Penn State.

4. Big Ten Land Grant Universities vs. Big Ten Non-Land Grant.

Land Grant: Illinois, Michigan State, Minnesota, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue, Wisconsin
Non-Land Grant: Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Northwestern.

5. Big Ten Schools That Are the "University of" vs. Big Ten Schools That Are Not the "University of."

University of: Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin.
Non University of: Indiana, Michigan State, Ohio State, Northwestern, Penn State, Purdue.

6. Big Ten Schools Located in Their State's Capital City vs. Big Ten Schools Not Located in Their State's Capital City.

Capital City: Michigan State (sort of), Minnesota, Ohio State, Wisconsin.
Not Capital City: Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Northwestern, Penn State, Purdue.

7. Big Ten Warm School Colors vs. Big Ten Cool School Colors.

Warm: Indiana, Iowa, Minnesota, Ohio State, Purdue, Wisconsin.
Cool: Illinois (sort of), Michigan (sort of), Michigan State, Northwestern, Penn State.

8. Big Ten Schools With Animal Mascots vs. Big Ten Schools With Something Else for Mascots.

Animals: Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Northwestern, Penn State, Wisconsin.
Something Else: Illinois, Indiana, Michigan State, Ohio State, Purdue.

9. Big Ten Schools Whose Names Begin with Vowels vs. Big Ten Schools Whose Names Begin With Consonants.

Vowels: Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Ohio State.
Consonants: Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Northwestern, Penn State, Purdue, Wisconsin.

I hope this helps.

Seldom Welcome

2008-11-23T18:03:00.003-06:00

Dear Sir or Madam:

I realize it's very convenient to put your comforters and blankets and such in the wash--using two of the four washing machines, one of which is apparently out of order, as it's sitting there partially full of water--and then forget about them. I understand that you'll get around to putting them in the dryer, and thereby allowing the rest of us the chance to wash our clothes, when you are good and ready. However, I would appreciate it if you could make time in your schedule to come down and do this within one hour after your items are done washing. It's only neighborly.

Sincerely,
Ephener of Mind

$1.99

2008-11-21T22:04:00.001-06:00

In typical fashion, I decided to take a picture of this sign when I saw it from the other side, and neglected to see that part of it is burned out on this side. It says $1.99. Yay.

I am not in need of music

2008-11-20T21:45:00.002-06:00

This week is audition week at [school where I teach], which means that we, the band directors, get to listen to each and every wind player play a 10-minute audition for us! Naturally, we all get a bit crazed during this process ("all" because this year we have a student teacher, who also gets to participate in the fun. On Tuesday she said she wanted to kill herself. But, in fairness, so did I). On the forms that we fill out for each student, there's a space for "Name," "Grade," and "Instrument." So naturally, this year, I decided to write each kid's instrument in Italian. Just for fun.

What wasn't fun was when I realized I didn't know the Italian for "oboe." It turns out that it's "oboe" (Blatter, 1997, p. 98).

Reference:

Blatter, A. (1997). Instrumentation and orchestration (2nd ed.) Belmont, CA: Wordsworth/Thompson.

I am in need of music

2008-11-15T20:03:00.002-06:00

Well, today was the IMEA District 7 Festival, featuring the honors band, orchestra and chorus. Highlights included:

1. That I may have the flu. It's not definite, and it could just be a cold, but I definitely have been feeling super-icky since Wednesday night. So that made today fun.
2. Cliff Colnot was the director of the orchestra. And he's a bad conductor. Even the choir directors noticed. And yes, I do realize that my parallel structure leaves something to be desired here. Feel free to comment on it if it bothers you so much, Poindexter.
3. The honors choir members all wear robes. As in, each student wears the choir robe of the school that they attend. I, coming as I do from Pennsylvania, have always thought this was kind of a weird state tradition, but whatever. The point here is that 240 high school choristers in clashing robes? Awesome. Oh, and apparently? Some of them don't know which way the stole goes.
4. There was one kid in the choir, who stood in the last row, who had headphones around his neck during the entire concert. And? He was wearing a hoodie, with the hood sticking out the back of his robe. I hope his choir teacher kills him on Monday. Actually, since he goes to another school in [district where I teach], I could ensure that this happens....
5. The honors band. The funniest thing here was the tuning procedure, in which the principal clarinet would give a B-flat, which the tuba would then take and everyone would tune. Then the prinicpal oboe would give an A, which any of the woodwinds who wanted it would tune to. But it gets better (because it has to, right? Just keep reading). First, the tuba always tuned sharp of the clarinet. And I and the two other directors sitting next to each other were aghast each time. Because, yes, in fact, they tuned before each of their five selections on the program. And the tuba was probably a good 30 cents sharp each time. Loved it!

P.S. "I am in Need of Music" is the title of one of the songs the choir sang.

Mattress(less)ness

2008-11-11T21:03:00.003-06:00

OMG. I have never had such anxiety over the purchase of a product in my life, and I think that I should never have to again. But, after hours--nay, days--of searching, both soul- and otherwise, I am now the mostly-proud owner of this bed. Let's take a brief look at the steps that got us to this juncture:

1999. I enroll in college and begin living in the dorms. And the beds, while longer than average, are actually pretty comfortable, at least in my opinion. Others may disagree, but I thought they were pretty okay at [university where I attended--oh, wait. I think I already mentioned in a previous posting that it was Northwestern.].

2001, summer/fall. I am introduced to the wonders of what many call "pillowtop." Now I can't live without it.

2004. I graduate from college and take my first teaching job, in Connecticut. Being poor, and also having moved across country, I have few choices of living arrangements and take residence in an "efficiency" apartment. AKA, a studio. My parents graciously help me buy a futon that will serve, as many futons do, as both a couch and a bed. This was purchased at IKEA and topped with my favorite mattress pad/pillowtop. It was pretty comfy.

2005. I take my current job at [name redacted] and move back to Illinois, bringing the futon with me. It becomes my couch in my new one-bedroom apartment. My parents graciously give me their old bed and box spring, which is at least one but not more than three decades old, most likely. Being, again, too poor to buy a mattress, I use this combination for the next three years, despite the fact that it is old and, in my opinion, not a good mattress for me.

2005-2008. My back problems slowly and inexorably increase. I also witness the Select Comfort Sleep Number Bed commercials on the telly, featuring those beds as well as Lindsay Wagner, the original Bionic Woman. I covet the beds.

2008, Memorial Day. I break down and go to the Select Comfort store at the mall and try out the beds. My sleep number is 35, which is softer and plushier than I was anticipating. But, as yet, I do not buy a bed. They're pretty expensive. Still coveting.

2008, fall. A friend of mine and writer of this blog moves and buys a new mattress from Ikea. He claims to like it. My salary increases at work, which means that I start reconsidering the prospect of buying a new mattress.

2008, October. I get a flier in the mail from Select Comfort, extolling the virtues of the sale they will be running until Veterans Day. The Mattress Search moves to the front burner, Joe-Biden-literally-ly.

2008: November 8. My parents and I talk on the phone of my desire to buy a new mattress and my angst over the Sleep Numbers. Mom tells me that Macy's is also having a Veterans Day sale, and I should check out their mattresses. Mental note.

2008: November 9. I visit Ikea, test the mattresses there. I visit the Macy's furniture store, test the mattresses there. I visit the Select Comfort store, where I acknowledge to the salesman that I have been there before and had my sleep number calculated, and test the mattresses there.

2008: November 10. I talk to the teachers at work about buying a new mattress and my angst over the sleep numbers and their priciness. The choir director tells me to just go ahead and buy the sleep number, because "you deserve it." I puzzle over what this might mean. I also talk to some friends over yummy Giordano's pizza (though not the pineapple pizza. Never pineapple) about my mattress woes.

2008: November 11. The day has arrived: the last day of the sleep number sale. If I am to have one of these luxurious glorified air mattresses, it must be today. I go to Ikea one last time to test their mattresses. I then make my way to the sleep number store. The salesman asks me if I've had my sleep number tested. I say no, because I want a second opinion about what my sleep number truly is. He takes me through the paces. Sleep number? 25. Ugh. We go over and try the Sleep Number 5000, which I lie on for probably a good half hour while he answers some of my questions, while other customers come in and try out beds, while he talks to the other salespeople, while he mills around. I tell him that I need to think about it and leave. I go home. After dinner, I drive back to the mall, after convincing myself that I am going to get a sleep number. I go into the store and tell the salesman that I need to lie in the bed once more. He lets me. I lie there for probably 10 or 15 minutes while he talks to a couple who, I conclude, end up deciding not to buy a mattress right then. I tell him that I just can't commit to it right then, and leave the store. He gives me a flyer about their beds which I already have from the first time I was there, but I take another one because I have to keep up the pretext that I wasn't really served the first time I visited. I drive to Ikea one last time and lie on the mattresses there. It's raining. Not in the store, silly--outside. But I'm trying to set the stage of gloom and indeciciveness here. I decide to go back and buy the sleep number, fo' sho' this time. I screw up my courage and drive over there, park the car, and sit in the car for one last moment of agony. I go inside, march up to him (not literally, of course--that would be weird and I never do anything weird) and tell him, "I've changed my mind. I would like to invest in a special edition bed." He looks perplexed for a moment, and then recovers himself and closes the sale. But it's not over yet! He asks me if I want to do the free financing, and at first I say yes. He gives me the forms. I start reading. He then asks me if I want to have them deliver the bed and remove my old mattress. It costs $160. I hesitate, and finally say that we'd "better" do that. He totals up the sale, which I'm not going to tell you the final total of here. That would be tacky. I then tell him that, actually, I think I don't want to do the financing--I'm going to pay for it now. He then asks me how I'd like to pay for it and I whip out Ole Plastic, tried and true. He takes the credit card and says that they still accept them, "but who knows how long that will last?" He rings me up and I sign the receipt. He then tells me to "relax. You made a good decision." Of course I did, punk! I made a great and wise decision which just resulted in you earning possibly your only commission of today. I drive home, the proud owner of a new mattress.

Cart'd!

2008-11-09T14:19:00.001-06:00

This is actually pretty funny. But, of course if I've seen it, it means that all the rest of you have too. Oh well.

For the Record

2008-11-08T23:00:00.003-06:00

Today at the Northwestern/(Q)Ohio State football game, after the OSU team ran a particularly good play, one of their fans who had so graciously come all the way to Evanston from wherever he happens to live, let's hope it's far away, exclaimed, "Welcome to the Big 10!" to all of the surrounding Northwestern fans.

For the record, Northwestern was one of the founding members of the Big Ten Conference way back in 1896. OSU didn't join the conference until 1912. 16 years is a very long time in the Big Ten. So it should have been we to welcome them to the Big Ten today. But I think we did that very effectively by the way we played the game.

Go 'Cats.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2008-11-01T22:17:00.002-05:00

I love this time of year. Namely: The day after Halloween. Yes, yes, it's also All Saints' Day, but that's not why I love it so. Why is this day different than all other days? Because it's on this day alone that all the Halloween candy goes on sale for 50% off. I stocked up, yo. The only problem with this, though, is that the candy is so picked over. So, like, there were no regular 3 Musketeers; I had to settle for the minty ones. And there were no Milky Ways, but there was an abundance of Snickers. Because Snickers suck. If anyone needed evidence of this, they only need look at the shelves on the day after Halloween.

I'm counting down the days until the day after Easter, when this magic starts all over again. Only then, there will be Cadbury Eggs. Hopefully not these, however.

P.S. Despite the hilarity of the above commerical, as well as its thematic appropriateness, I no not believe that "back to school time" is the most wonderful time of the year.

Disturbation

2008-10-26T12:57:00.003-05:00

Depressionality?

Has anyone seen those commercials for I think the National Wildlife Fund that feature polar bears? Specifically about how the polar bears are dying? And it shows the video of the mother polar bear with the cub and they're stranded on this floating iceberg? And the guy with the voiceover about how the habitats are melting right out from under their paws? And he says that the polar bears will be extinct in "our" children's lifetimes?

I just saw said commercial on the telly, and I'm, like, morose about it now. It's, like, the saddest thing in the world. I also realize that this post reads like the dashboard confessional of a valley girl circa 1996. I guess the passing of the polar bears rully brings that out in me. But seriously! The polar bears need our help.

Yet, when I see this commercial, I'm reminded of the reason why the polar bears are being killed: us. I mean, global warming. It seems to me that NWF, or WWF, or whatever, is doing too little too late. The fact is that we're not going to be able to reverse this climate change (or, as the commentator on NPR called it "global weirding") in time to save the polar bears. We'd better make some room in our zoos.

I also think it's interesting that this commercial aired during the "Top Design" episode in which the designers were asked to design a room of the future, c. 2108. And one of them was like, "in the future there will be no sunlight," and another, "in the future there will be no wood, so this fireplace is actually a cooling unit...and these fans are also for cooling the room." Which is fun.

This is How We...Don't?...Do It?

2008-10-22T21:58:00.003-05:00

So, I know I said I would never talk about work. But I can't stand it anymore.

I teach guitar, among other subjects, and I have 30 beginning guitar students ranging from sophomores to seniors. Yes. And many of them have either never played music in school before or it's been a very long time since they have. So the whole "reading music" thing isn't really working for some of them.

Then there's the two girls who are in choir, and one who is in band. Ugh.

And can I just say that it also drives me crazy that some of these kids have "taught" themselves to play guitar before they came to my class, so their fingerings are all different and wrong? Jeez.

But the point. Notation, my friends. Some of these kids are having some, uh, trouble with the musical alphabet. I can't tell you how many times I've had the following exchange:

Me: So this note is D. This next note is the very next note up. What's it called?
Student: ...F?
Me: Well, it's the very next note, right? So it's the next letter in the alphabet. What's after D?
Student: ...uh, B?
Me: No, after D, comes...?
Student: E!
Me: Yes. It's E.

So many of these kids have such trouble with the musical alphabet that it makes me think they don't actually know the real English alphabet. I think I'll have to give them a quiz next week with the following questions:

1. What are the first seven letters of the modern English alphabet, in order from beginning to end?

The joys of teaching are endless. Truly.

You Can't Do That [clap, clap, clap clap clap]

2008-10-04T21:50:00.004-05:00

"80,000 plus, minus the band, living it up at Camp Randall Stadium." So says the TV commentator regarding the Wisconsin-OSU game, for all of America and Canada to hear.

I love that the Marching Badgers, or whatever they're called, were suspended. What? You didn't hear about it? Read on! And they're suspended indefinitely! I do sort of wonder whenever you hear about band hazing. That's right. I wonder whenever you hear about it. It's like that commercial for Proactiv that sometimes plays on the telly. That one guy says something like, "I use Proactiv for a week, and suddenly you don't have acne."

But band hazing. I mean, fine, whatever. Football teams have hazing, right? And other athletic types. But marching band members? We're all huge nerds, right? I mean, how bad could that hazing really be? You make the freshmen do harmonic analysis? ("IT'S A FRENCH SIXTH, SCUM!" and then they get beaten about the head and neck?) Or all the freshmen are put into a small, poorly ventilated room and forced to listen to marches for hours at a time? They have to wear spats and modified West Point Shakos? That could qualify. And the worst infraction of all: the postgame show. Anyone who's done time with the Northwestern Marching Band knows of what I speak.

So, this is Wednesday, yet you look like Friday, from "The Addams Family"...

2008-10-04T19:24:00.002-05:00

Today was a typical Saturday in which no Wildcat football is being played, which of course meant that I slept until noon. Eat your heart out. After this, I went and ran some errands, which is where the actual interesting stuff happens. Well, you won't think it's interesting.

I went to return something at Ikea, after which I went to get a hair cut. You may be wondering if I got them all cut. In fact I did. This was the first haircut I have gotten since July 26, when I had my head shaved. Did I tell you about this? I decided to to this once I finished my Master's degree, because if Elia was brave enough to do it on Top Chef, then who was I to argue? Two and a half months later, I went in to have a little trim. And while I was sitting there in Great Clips waiting, a student of mine walked in. Can I just say that I hate it when I run into students of mine when I'm out in the world? Ugh. It's so irritating. And they're all like, "Mr. [my last name]! Do you live around here???" Uh, maybe? I live close enough to here that this is a convenient place for me to do what I came here to do, rather than going to some version of here that's closer to my house. I had a circuit around [school where I teach] that I used to use to go running, and I'd invariably see students of mine while I was running. Usually it was right after they drove up behind me in their rich parent's car and honked the horn, giving me a heart attack. And then sometimes I'll see them at the mall. That's the best.

But then I had my hair cut. And the barber was telling me that she thinks I look like Edward Norton. I've heard this before, and I don't think so. I mean, I guess I could do worse.

And then, of course, I went to Meijer and someone thought that I worked there.

Then I found five dollars.

Slowing Things Down Here a Little

2008-10-02T22:23:00.003-05:00

So, I was listening to part of the vice-presidential debate on my drive home from school this evening. Yes, at 8:30 pm. First, I think it's quite interesting that we even have vice-presidential debates at all. Who cares what they say? They're basically just being mouthpieces for their respective running mates. Which is interesting, if you think about it. Especially if you imagine either Sarah Palin or Joe Biden as this.

I was more interested, however, in Sarah Palin's pronounciation of the word "nuclear," which she, like many in government, likes to pronounce as "nucular." I confess that this drives me batty. But then I started thinking about it more, and I was reminded of The Bell Curve, that terribly controversial book that you've no doubt heard of but probably never read. I read one o' dems once, I think in 2005. The conclusion that the authors draw is that the real division in America nowadays, and it will only increase in the future, is not one of race, gender, location or socio-economic status, but one of intellect. We're being divided into smarter and, uh, less smart people, and this is the root cause of the other differences among us such as wealth and so forth. Quite an interesting argument. They then go on to argue that this fact should be used to our advantage in terms of social organization, which I think is part of the controversy. I wonder what they'd say about Sarah Palin.

Feeling It

2008-09-25T21:53:00.002-05:00

So, we all know the economy could, uh, be better, right? Yeah, I try not to think about it either, but what can you do? I've even noticed some prices of stuff going up: mushrooms have literally mushroomed from $.99 to $1.39, and milk is also going up in price. But the increase in prices was really brought home to me this evening when I went shopping at my friendly neighborhood Jewel.

Mayo was $5.39. Can you believe that? For Hellman's! Kraft was even more expensive, over $6 each. I couldn't believe it. I know you can't either.

Suddenly, Everything Happened

2008-09-20T21:40:00.003-05:00

1. Cats eat cats. In fact, it would appear that feline cannibalism is on the rise, as the Wildcats of Northwestern met the Bobcats of Ohio University this weekend. Luckily for us, wild prevailed over bob. Animal? Cannibal. They are Purdue.

2. I, however, was not there, because I was playing for a jawsome wedding downtown. Some lady who graduated from [school where I teach], like, way before I even started there (jeez!) asked to have some students play for her wedding. Did I take a) the marching band, b) the strings, or c) the beginning guitar class. Only time will tell.

I've decided that I don't like playing for weddings. This is convenient, since I play the bass. But it's kind of awkward, since all these people are celebrating this great event, and I'm just kind of there. It's pretty weird.

3. I went shopping this evening, and I noticed several things:

There was this kind of old lady at Woodfield Mall, and she had the largest glasses I've ever seen on a human. Imagine the biggest 80s glasses you ever wore. Imagine the biggest, dookiest, celebritiest sunglasses that you've seen in one of those trashy magazines at the supermarket checkout. These were bigger. It was hysterical.
Macy's has Christmas trees on display. And Sears has holiday-themed items for sale as well. I realize that the calendar year is more than 75% over, but this still seems a tad early. Then again, the sooner Christmas comes, the sooner the school year will be over....
Crate and Barrel closes at 7:00 pm on Saturdays. What? Isn't this the busiest shopping day of the week? Does this seem strange to anyone else?
Aren't vests supposed to be coming back, uh, in style this season? What a grotesque idea! Yet, I seemed to remember that his was happening. You'd never know it from looking at the racks.

4. I also made the mistake of wearing khakis and a red polo shirt to Meijer this evening. However, only one person asked me if I worked there while I was inside shopping. This may be an all-time low. People always ask me if I work at stores that I shop at, even if I don't accidentally happen to be wearing the uniform. Does this happen to anyone else?

Our Target Market is the Rich and Stupid

2008-09-18T15:45:00.003-05:00

I'm more "not rich" and stupid, but whatever. I'm a sucker for a new soft drink. Anyone remember Mountain Dew Blackout? It was current in the fall of 2004. What about Coke Blak, with coffee? C'est terrible. It was so terrible I have to a) say it in French and b) use the present tense. And Pepsi Jazz? I drank it because of the music theme--much like how I used the web browser Opera--and hated it. Mountain Dew Live Wire? Now we're reaching way back, but I tried that too. It was aight.

So for some reason, despite my, uh, spotty luck with new soft drink products, I went ahead and tried new Pepsi Kickoff Whatever, with a Kick of Lemon. You've heard about it on the radio, don't deny it. It's in honor of the NFL. Why would I have made this decision? Because I, for one, remember Coke with Lemon, which is probably four or five years gone by now. And it was really good. But they got rid of it because, apparently, I was the only one who liked it. So when I saw Pepsi with lemon, I was totes pumped for it.

It's not very good. I know you're shocked.

File Under "P"

2008-09-08T22:09:00.004-05:00

For "Procrastination."

So, I was driving home earlier this evening and I heard a commercial on the radio that I've heard several times before. It's two sisters discussing varicose veins, which in and of itself is rather unremarkable, if somewhat disconcerting for a man. But this reminded me of another commerical that I had heard on the radio a few months to years ago, and which I haven't heard lately, thank goodness. It begins thus:

Woman 1: Hey, how are you feeling?
Woman 2: Not so good.
Woman 1: Is your endometriosis acting up again?

It turns out that, yes, in fact it is her endometriosis! How did you know? Now, think about this for a moment. Wikipedia endometriosis if you need to, to brush up on the ins and outs of this horrible disease. Does this seem like a conversation that two normal people would ever have? What about if one of them has endometriosis? Should I keep making you read "endometriosis"? Oh, what's bothering you? Could it be your endometriosis? How about that pesky syphilis that I happen to know that you're suffering from? No? What? You don't want to talk about this in public? Why ever not?

It's On Like Donkey Kong

2008-09-07T20:15:00.003-05:00

Okay, I know I just posted!

But I just saw two jawsome commericals back-2-back as I was watching coverage of the women's final of the US Open instead of preparing for school this week, and I thought I had to share them with you. What am I thinking? Nobody reads this!

The first one was this:

The second one was this:

Now, the fact that these are so easily available at youtube makes me think that I'm actually one of the last ones to see them. But whatever, they're still funny.

The Fashion Issue

2008-09-07T19:18:00.003-05:00

Well, it's been a good two weeks since the end of the Olympics. That means it's time to recap the fashion do's and don'ts of the Games of the XXIX Olympiad. I observed the following:

1. The men's beach volleyball gold medal game. Misty May Traenor and what's-her-face were in the audience, and Misty was wearing a very stereotypical Chinese straw hat. You know, the cone-shaped kind. I don't know what they're called because I'm a dumb American, but I'm sure you recognize them. It had a dragon on it, and it was uh, rather tacky. The commentators were saying how much Misty and Kerri had been enjoying themselves, especially Misty, while in China. I guess this includes making a mockery of 5000 years of Chinese culture.

2. Did anyone else notice the hand-written bibs on the US 4x100 track and field relay teams? All of the other nations had nicely written printed bibs with their country's name on them, but the USA had to scrawl them on themselves. But that's okay, because they didn't make it through the preliminary round. Men or women. Thanks, guys.

3. Speaking of track, some of the, uh, lesser-performing track stars, if I may be so descriptive, decided to sport some very interesting sleeves during the races. They looked like leg warmers that you wore during the 80s. You know who you are. But the commentators said that these particular sleeves had a compression effect on the muscles, which makes them work more efficiently. That's all well and good. But wait. This is running. What effect could this possibly have on a runner's performance? Other than to make them look more ridiculous?

4. Speaking of ridiculous. This was brought to my attention, since I missed the men's 110 meter hurdles because of rehearsal. Stupid marching band. But the Cuban runner Dayron Robles has these glasses that are rather unusual. And he wears them while he's running! I guess he's good enough that the wind drag doesn't slow him down. But this isn't 1992. Just FYI, the Olympics were in Barcelona then.

5. And now on to the biggest story of the Games: the new swimming suits. I know I'm not the only one who thinks they're ugly. That's not an issue. They look all ripped up and weird, and I love the inclusion of the US flag. That's so raven/patriotic. Here's my question. There apparently is both a full-body version and a pants-only version, at least for the gentlemen. I noticed that for some races those wiley Americans were only wearing the pants, like in one of the relays. But why? Did they not really care about this race? Were they confident they were going to "smash" their opponents? Because we know how well that works. Is there some rule about the medley relay, that the full-body suit is not allowed? I don't get it. Wouldn't you always want to wear the full-body version so you could get the benefit of all of that awesome technology? Just a thought.

Not that they apparently needed any help. Phelps got his infernal 8 gold medals anyway.

6. And speaking of swimming and drag, did anyone else notice that, after his shameful loss to the Americans in the freestyle relay, Alain Bernard started growing a goatee? And there were some male swimmers who swam without a cap, and who had hair! I think that guy from Hungary was one of them, though I'm not sure. What were they thinking? This is the Olympics! Just because you lost big, Alain Bernard, after having talked trash--which is always the way it is; learn your lesson!--don't let yourself go completely! There's still more races to swim. And, win, apparently. Oh well.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

2008-09-06T23:53:00.002-05:00

So, I had hoped this picture would be bigger when it was posted. Sadness.

Oh, and the uniforms? No comment.

Easy Street

2008-09-01T21:27:00.006-05:00

You'll no doubt recognize the title of today's post as a song from the hit musical "Annie." Another song in that stellar hot mess of a disastrous tragicomedy is "NYC," which is where I was this weekend. Highlights included:

Flying to Newark, then meeting my parents on the train and taking NJ Transit in to Penn Station
Seeing "A Tale of Two Cities: The Musical"
Cheesecake at Junior's
A boat tour of the Waterfalls of New York
Catching (most of) a Yankees game at Yankee Stadium
The MoMA
Riding the subway
Seeing Cynthia Nixon on said subway

All in all, it was a really fun weekend. Not "funny," per se, in that not so much happened that I can relate here to amuse you, but suffice it to say that the Waterfalls are interesting, it was enjoyable to watch the Yankees (lose), the Dali exhibit at the MoMA was also quite enjoyable, and A Tale of Two Cities was, um, not the best musical I have ever seen.

So, let's talk about that, actually. It's that great Dickensian tale, um, of two cities, set to music. I was hoping that it would open with a grand production number on "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times," but sadly this was not to be. The famous quote did make it in to the book, though, about a third of the way through the play. Also, the book, music, and lyrics were all written by the same person, who has a degree from OSU in journalism, I believe. If that's not a recipe for success, I don't know what is. I mean, I thought it was a good production, but the book, uh, lyrics and music may not have been the best. But our seats were fantastic! They were all for the best in these best of all possible seats. What? Oh, wrong musical. Sorry.

Also, I know it's Dickens and therefore has to be great, right? Whatever.* But, call me crazy, but I don't think this particular novel makes for the best musical theater. And I know Oliver is based on Oliver Twist. I'm not a total twit, though my mother must have thought so when I confessed that I'd never read it. A Tale of Two Cities, that is. Although I've never read Oliver Twist, either. It also seemed like this musical was trying to, um, be Les Miserables, which of course it can't. Les Mis took place during the Revolution of 1832, while AToTC took place during the 1789 revolution. Everyone knows that.

So, in all, it was a fun weekend, and it totally took my mind off of the fact that school has started again. I'd highly recommend it, though not with my parents. That would be creepy, Josh.

Too cheesy a way to end this post? Maybe it was a bad bit, I admit it. They can't all be winners.

_____

*I hate Dickens. Get over it. And who knew this blog would have footnotes?

Shelkshakes

2008-08-27T22:54:00.002-05:00

Tonight after rehearsal, I went for ice cream at Oberweis with two of our staff members and their two young children. The child-sized cups have jokes on them, apparently, so the family was talking about the jokes that were printed on their cups. The following joke was offered by the younger of the two children:

Q: What do you call a milkshake that's sick?
A: A shelkshake.

This:

prompted the elder daughter to immediately proclaim that the younger had made that up right then. Duh!
may have something to do with the alternative pronounciation of "milk" as "melk."
was hilarious at the time. I'm laughing out loud as a type this.

I know you don't think it's funny. Deal.

Daddy?

2008-08-25T21:58:00.001-05:00

Barack Obama's children are annoying. There, I said it.

Snips

2008-08-24T21:24:00.006-05:00

The Olympics are over, and I am officially depressed. As I type this, Michael Phelps is just about to come on "live" from London as part of the closing ceremonies. Why is he in London? Couldn't he be bothered to remain in Beijing for the remainder of the games?

But this reminds me, sadly, of his phenomenal performance at these games. And then I was reminded of all of the other ones. My favorites, in no particular order:

1. Dara Torres. I love that she's 41 and still an olympic champion. Rowdy Gaines, today, said that she should come back and compete in London in 2012 because she has nothing to lose. I for totes agree. And next time maybe she won't have her nails done the day before the race.

And, I almost forgot this until Chris Collinsworth mentioned it. She's such a good sport! I love that she took care of the situation with that one girl's suit before the 50 meter semifinal. She's awesome.

And, and I hesitate to mention this because some of you may read it, she's kind of hawt. Ew, right? Whatever.

2. US Men's Gymnastics. They weren't even "supposed" to medal, but they eked out bronze, which was phenomenal. And they all have such interesting personalities. Jonathan Horton, who's totally annoying and looks like JDIII but who pimped it out on high bar (and who went on to medal on high bar--also super). Joe Hagerty, who basically didn't do anything constructive but look creepy on camera and turn in some very mediocre performances. Alexander Artemev, who I only wish could've powered out his pommel horse routine once more for the event finals, but who totally made it happen in the team finals. Kevin Tan, who, um, had a rather unfortunate performance at the selfsame pommel horse. Uh, Justin Spring? Who kind of didn't do anything interesting except perform well? I think? Raj Bhavsar, who almost didn't get to compete, but we're glad that he did. And I have to give a shout out to the other alternate, David Durante, who sadly didn't get to compete. But yay for the team.

3. Women's 100 meter dash final. I love that the Jamaicans swept the medals on that, for reasons that I don't quite even understand. I think it's because it's like, "Jamaica? Huh?" But it was fun to watch.

4. US Men's Volleyball. It was tragic, what happened at the beginning of the games to Coach McCutcheon and his family. And, I haven't really traditionally liked watching volleyball. But I really got into it this time, and their last game against Brazil was pretty stellar. If you didn't watch it, I'm sure they'll replay it again and again and again. Or, since this is America and men's indoor volleyball isn't a sport that anyone cares about, you'll never ever see it. Ever.

5. Nastia and Shawn. Maybe it's just me, but I have somewhat of a hard time believing that they're truly as good friends as they claim to be. No, I'm not claiming that they're lesbian for each other, though wouldn't that be a twist! Actually, it might be a full-twisting double, but if it has anything to do with Shawn's dismounts from the balance beam, they won't stick the landing.

But, I digress. They may be good friends, and they may even be happy for each other, but it did make for some great gymnastics to watch. I love that Nastia pulled out the all-around, and I was so happy that Shawn got her gold medal too.

Also! Did anyone else notice Shawn's walk when the gymnastts were going from place to place in between rotations at the National Indoor Stadium? Nastia did it too, but Shawn really sold it. It was the most stilted, perform-y walk I've ever seen. It was hilarious, and led to this exchange:

Me: I think we should walk like Shawn Johnson.
Choir Teacher: [does it momentarily] Like this?
Me: [Laughs hysterically]
Choir Teacher: I think I should walk into class the first day like that.

If you didn't see Shawn's walk, you really missed something. But! Nastia had a special moment of her own. At the beginning of her floor routine--and she did this several times, and it was awesome each and every time--when the music starts, she snaps her head over and shoots this glare across the room. And the camera always pulls in tight for it. It was immensely entertaining.

6. Men's Water Polo. The US men used to, apparently, kind of suck. I can't watch water polo either, but for some reason I found myself watching it this week. The US took on Hungary in the gold medal match, and Hungary is apparently a water polo powerhouse--the commentator said it's the national sport there, which I think is kind of cuckoo for coco puffs, but whatever. Anyway, it was a rather entertaining match, and while the US lost, a silver medal is still pretty cool for this team.

7. Anyone who was genuinely thrilled to have won, and there were so many of them. Usain Bolt, while he's a great athlete, was kind of a jerk about the 100 meters. And yes, he got better, but I didn't feel happy for him. But there were so many, and not just those who won gold medals, who were totally pumped to have won something, and it was really affecting. These include:

Matthias Steiner
Matthew Mitcham
Shalane Flanagan
Dawn Harper
Elena Isinbaeva, though she was expected to win.
That guy, who I only saw in recaps, who broke his paddle in half after he must have done something good in the whitewater canoeing competition.

Also, d00d, Placido Domingo has still got it, even though 1) he apparently couldn't be bothered to wear a tie to this gig, and 2) those mics are kind of a hot mess.

So, anything else Olympic-themed to come? Perhaps. I still have the fashion recap to write.

Who Has Two Thumbs?

2008-08-22T23:00:00.006-05:00

Q: ...and isn't thrilled that school is starting again?

A: This guy.

Q: ...and isn't looking forward to teaching beginning guitar?

A: This guy.

Q: ...and claimed that he wouldn't talk about school?

A: This guy.

Hot Garbage

2008-08-21T21:53:00.003-05:00

Thinking of titles for posts is hard. Let's go make some cookies for the boys.

1. Usually, when there's a #1, there should be a #2. I apparently neglected this guideline in my last post.

2. From the men's 400 m final:

NBC: "If I told you before the race that you'd beat Jeremy Wariner, what would you have said?"
LaShawn Merritt: "For sure."

3. There's apparently been a request for some blogging in re: the fashion choices of certain Olympians. I'll start making some notes; if you have any issues you'd like discussed, feel free to comment.

Now We're Talking

2008-08-20T23:33:00.001-05:00

1. As you're no doubt aware, I'm a huge fan of reality TV, especially those jawsome shows on Bravo. And yes, I did just make a Street Sharks reference. But seriously, Top Chef? Project Runway? Top Design? Even Shear Genius. Countless hours have been whiled away watching this schlock that could more profitably have been spent grading papers, doing score study, or finding a date. But I digress.

Not really, though. We're still slogging through backstory here, because if I've said it once I've said it at least fifteen or sixteen times: there needs to be Top Conductor. Or some version of it; I'm not suggesting that my title is the best. But I am suggesting that there needs to be a reality show with aspiring conductors in which they compete against each other in wacky, ridiculous challenges until one of them emerges victorious and gets some kind of prize, followed by continued obscurity. Anyone remember Anthony? I didn't think so. But, aspiring conductors! By which I mean, of course, me.

Well, now we're at least one step closer: BBC's "Maestro." Here's their website.
I also have to give credit where credit is due: I learned of this from Opera Chic, who, in case you are keeping track, is a blog not located in [city where I live], though also not in the same city as this blog.

Yeah, yeah, I know it's British. But! Lest you forget, most of the greatest reality TV shows came to us from our former colonial governers. And I know it's just a glorified (that's what I said), musical (possibly) version of Armed and Famous, but at least there's some reality show involving conducting. It's only a matter of time.

Disturbation

2008-08-19T12:22:00.004-05:00

So apparently, if I draft a post, but don't actually post it until later, it gets dated as the date it was originally drafted, not the date that it was posted. How sad! This means that you may have overlooked this, which I posted today after much hard formatting work. Dag, yo.

This also means that I need to go ahead and post these:

1. http://artsblog.freedomblogging.com/2008/07/31/if-schoenberg-were-popular/

2. "There just aren't enough kids interested in math and science." So goes the commercial for something that we've been seeing on NBC during the Olympics.

Is anyone irritated by this statement? Probably not, since most of you who read this are probably scientists or engineers. "There just aren't enough kids interested in math and science, because they keep getting enrolled in classes like band and orchestra. And photography." Boy, don't I wish. I think the problem is that there are too many kids interested in math and science. Actually, perhaps it's a combination of 1) too many kids interested in slacking off and 2) too many school counselors who don't understand how to do their jobs.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

I'm Sorry

2008-08-18T22:59:00.001-05:00

I hope to not subject you to more than one post a day, but I have to go on record here.

1. Jenn Stuczynski, who has only been pole vaulting for four years, took silver to the perennial world record-holder. And her coach was a giant D-Bag when she went over to debrief with him right after. He was all telling her what she did wrong, how he didn't want her to "get stuck in the meat grinder," whatever that means, but she did anyway, "but what are you going to do?" HELLO? JERK? SHE JUST WON SILVER MEDAL. How about being a tad supportive? It's okay, though, coach. I'll take this one. Jenn, you rock.

2. Though, in contrast, Stephanie Brown Trafton won gold in the women's discuss through, and she said that her idol was Mary Lou Retton. So cute!

I Shall Do So

2008-08-18T00:18:00.000-05:00

But I must also feel it as a man.

1. So, this weekend was the Tri-Park Invitational Miniature Golf Tournament. It was pretty glorious, all in all; I'd give it 42, but you can't dance to it. I didn't win, but what else is new? I guess next year, if next year there is to be, I must be hungover and have a broken ankle. Right, Tom?

2. However, there were several awesomenesses that ensued, many of them from Tom's friend Jeff's mouth. A sampling:

"Hit it, Sally!" when the ball isn't hit hard enough to go down. I may have to start using this with my percussionists when they don't play loud enough. Oops. I said I wouldn't talk about school--I guess I'm not, really.
"Are you too good for your home?!" to the ball when it won't go down.
"I loved that golf ball. That ball was the ball."
"That's what she said." This was particularly hilarious because, apparently, he's known for saying this. He wore a shirt to that effect the first day, and he and everyone else spouted that out whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Additionally, he insists that there be no talking during his backswing, and he's religious about marking his ball and clearing debris out of the ball's path. I was afraid that there was going to be a minor blowout regarding the former during the third round yesterday at White Mountain. Luckily disaster was averted. That is, until I moved on to Smuggler's Cove and the final round, shooting a dismal 30 on the front nine. Ugh.

Also, he reminds me of Dale. There, I said it. There's worse people that he could remind me of.

3. Shelly-Ann Fraser won the women's 100 meter dash at, yes, Virginia, I am referring to the Olympics again. So, she won it, and she's apparently 21 and this is her first big meet like this. And, if you watched her run the race, first of all it was amazing, and second of all, she was so happy to have won. She was Jubilation T. Cornpone. I hope no one gets that reference. But seriously, it was pretty fantastic how geniunely thrilled she was to have won. Yay for the Olympics!

4. I also love that the Jamaican women swept the medals in the 100 meter dash. You go, girls.

5. Liu Xiang sadly had to drop out of the men's 110 meter hurdles today. He's apparently a national hero there. His family is also now in prison.

6. Has anyone else noticed Cheng Fei of the Chinese women's gymnastics team? Specifically, how she perenially looks like she's about to burst into tears? It tugs at my heart strings every time I see her. And then there was her second vault attempt, where, standing at the top of the runway before the vault, she sounded her barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world. Elfie Schlegel was certainly surprised by that, as was I. However, poor Fei sat down one of her tumbling passes in her floor exercise, which means that 1) she didn't medal, 2) she actually did cry, which was as affecting as I had feared, and 3) her family is also now in prison.

7. Ah, Bela Karolyi. He was getting pretty emotional over the judging at the women's event finals as it related to the Americans, and how they were robbed. And I have to say, it pretty much blows how this Olympics has turned out for Alicia Sacramone. We still love you, Alicia.

8. Oh! And speaking of emotional Chinese gymnasts (the theme of this post is emotions, don'tcha know), has anyone noticed the "other" Chinese women's gymnast, Jiang Yuyuan? She's the one whose floor routine is so delightful, according to Elfie? It actually is delightful, and she has wonderful facials (not those kind of facials, Josh), but have you noticed how she totally fakes it? I love it! She walks up to the, uh, floor, and her expression is pretty neutral, like, she's enjoying it but still focused on doing something that's going to be hard. Then, she signals to the judges, and within half a second her entire face has changed. It's kind of freaky.

9. Has anyone seen that commerical for, uh, GE something (maybe?), with the guy and the gal in rural China, and he's wooing her, and he picks up some flowers and then steps in front of a bike and gets run over, only to wake up in the hospital and she's a doctor, and we see a long shot of the exam room through the waiting room, complete with live duck, and it turns out they're perfect for each other? No? Nevermind then.

Hold Everything

2008-08-16T23:59:00.000-05:00

Dara Torres is 41 and just won two more Olympic medals.

Awesome.

Live Blogging the National Anthems

2008-08-16T21:40:00.001-05:00

Okay, seriously, people. I'm watching the medal ceremony for the women's 50 freestyle final, with Fr. Steffen of the BDR receiving the gold medal.

And, natch, they're playing the German National Anthem, which I believe is still called "Deutschland, Deutschland, uber Alles." And it's soo [expletive deleted] slow. Like, for totes realz.

Part of me is irritated at the blatant poor renditions of national anthems at the Olympics. Another, smaller, cattier part of me is at least somewhat gratified that the Star Spangled Banner isn't the only anthem whose version is for totes sux0rz.

However, Waltzing Matilda seems to have faired rather well in all of this: the Aussie nat'l anthem is very quaffable.

Too bad it won't be played after the men's 1500 meter final. Poor Grant Hackett. And I'm serious this time. Not like how it's "too bad" that Michael Phelps just touched out that other guy for the final of whatever race happened last night.

Just Funny Jokes, Really

2008-08-16T21:39:00.002-05:00

This, actually:

Probably won't be that amusing for you;
Requires some amount of background knowledge;
May get me into some trouble here. Who am I kidding? No one reads this.

But here we go. So, I was recently reminded of the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, specifically of the drama on the US men's speed skating team. More specifically, between Shani Davis and Chad Hedrick. If you're not quite able to remember this, you may want to refresh your memory. So, basically, you have to remember that there was controversy regarding the men's team pursuit. You also have to remember Joey Cheek, who was also there in Turin and who kind of went Vecepia on the rest of the field by being quiet and kind and generous, and winning gold medals and donating his money to charity.

So, a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless (it's this one), and I thought it would be amusing to imagine an AIM conversation between Davis and Hedrick. Thus we have the following exchange, which I feel I must state is COMPLETELY FABRICATED. PursuitRawks is Hedrick's SN, while GoldInDa1000 is Davis.

Completely Fabricated.

PursuitRawks (9:57:04 AM): Hey shan

_______________________________________________________
Auto Response from GoldInDa1000 (9:57:04 AM): Sorry, I didn't see you there past my TWO OLYMPIC MEDALS! Well, I guess they have those holes, so, um, TWO OLYMPIC MEDALS, [expletive deleted]!
_______________________________________________________
GoldInDa1000 (9:58:12 AM): hey
PursuitRawks (9:59:28 AM): what's up
GoldInDa1000 (9:59:34 AM): n
PursuitRawks (10:00:15 AM): funny away message you got there
GoldInDa1000 (10:00:19 AM): ok
PursuitRawks (10:00:39 AM): I guess you forgot I got THREE baby
GoldInDa1000 (10:00:42 AM): yeah
PursuitRawks (10:10:52 AM): ne way
PursuitRawks (10:13:11 AM): did you get like a thing for your medals/
GoldInDa1000 (10:13:16 AM): huh?
PursuitRawks (10:13:26 AM): like a case or something
GoldInDa1000 (10:13:32 AM): oh
GoldInDa1000 (10:13:34 AM): no
PursuitRawks (10:20:27 AM): cuz you know, I thought maybe I'd get one made
PursuitRawks (10:20:49 AM): like it could look like a podium with the silver and bronze down below the gold
PursuitRawks (10:20:58 AM): but I guess you need to have three to do that
GoldInDa1000 (10:21:01 AM): ok
PursuitRawks (10:23:24 AM): so, yeah
PursuitRawks (10:25:44 AM): did you see Joey's myspace ?
GoldInDa1000 (10:25:49 AM): no
PursuitRawks (10:31:29 AM): you should go
PursuitRawks (10:31:46 AM): i heard that like he has no friends
GoldInDa1000 (10:31:54 AM): k
PursuitRawks (10:31:58 AM): here
PursuitRawks (10:34:46 AM): www.myspace.com/tarheelskate
PursuitRawks (10:41:13 AM): you should go there now
GoldInDa1000 (10:41:16 AM): ok
PursuitRawks (10:41:21 AM): are you there?
PursuitRawks (10:41:29 AM): doesn't his color scheme suck
PursuitRawks (10:42:09 AM): and where it has he's 6'3". As if.
PursuitRawks (10:42:27 AM): do you see that. its awesome
GoldInDa1000 (10:42:29 AM): no
PursuitRawks (10:42:41 AM): what, you like his colors?
GoldInDa1000 (10:42:44 AM): no
PursuitRawks (10:42:50 AM): are you on te page now?
GoldInDa1000 (10:42:52 AM): no
PursuitRawks went idle at 10:53:28 AM.
PursuitRawks returned at 10:53:32 AM.
PursuitRawks (10:53:47 AM): um ok
PursuitRawks (10:54:07 AM): are you therenow? you should go, this shit is funny.
GoldInDa1000 (10:54:13 AM): k
PursuitRawks (10:54:45 AM): I kinda want to get on his friends list.
PursuitRawks (10:54:59 AM): but it would be funnier if I didn't, because he has no friends
PursuitRawks (10:55:00 AM): get it
GoldInDa1000 (10:55:03 AM): yeah
PursuitRawks (10:58:40 AM): ok
PursuitRawks (10:58:51 AM): listen i gotta go
PursuitRawks (10:59:37 AM): i'm gonna go see about the medal thing
GoldInDa1000 (10:59:40 AM): ok
PursuitRawks (10:59:45 AM): you're not mad are you?
GoldInDa1000 (10:59:48 AM): huh
PursuitRawks (10:59:53 AM): about the medals thing
GoldInDa1000 (10:59:56 AM): no
PursuitRawks (11:00:06 AM): ok cya
GoldInDa1000 (11:00:09 AM): whatever
PursuitRawks went away at 11:00:27 AM.

Completely fabricated.

Separated at Birth?

2008-08-16T19:38:00.001-05:00

You be the judge. I've only got two sets today.

Aaron Peirsol and Clinton Kelly?

Jason Lezak and Bobby Flay?

You'd be surprised how hard it is to find good pictures of Bobby Flay online. And by "good pictures," I mean "pictures that make him look as much like Jason Lezak as possible."

The Olympics

2008-08-15T18:06:00.000-05:00

zomfg.

Okay, first of all, whisky tango foxtrot is up with the arrangement of the Star-Spangled Banner that they play at the medal ceremonies? It's the same one as in Athens, but it's awful. Deplorable, even. Right, Tim? And how come nobody's noticed this?

Though, apparently, they did have some technical difficulties with it earlier at The Water Cube (which by the way isn't a cube, unless it has several levels underground, right? Just making sure). Dang! At least that's one less time we have to hear those gnarly chromatic violas in the middle section. And that 4-3 suspension in the last chord.

Uh, but did anyone notice last night at the Women's All-Around, that it was a different arrangement? Someone call IOC President Jacques Rogges (yes, I did just google him)!

Also, and I know I'm going to incur the wrath of anyone who happens to read this posting--which is no one, right?--but I hate Michael Phelps. There, I said it. Okay, maybe "hate" is too strong a word. After all, this is no place for hate. This is the Olympics, right Hungary vs. USSR Men's Water Polo 1956? But I'm definitely not a fan. And Bob Costas is all, "if you were going to design the perfect swimmer, it would look a lot like Michael Phelps." Really?

Are you sure it wouldn't look more like this?

I also don't like his mother. I guess this ruins my chances of NOT having Phelps Phans--which, apparently, is everyone--go postal on me. Well, you can't please everyone.

However, I do have to give props to Garrett Weber-Gale because, despite his rather disappointing showing in both the 100 and 50 free, he likes to cook! As opposed to Michael Phelps, who just likes to eat. Observe:

I also enjoy him because, and if you saw this you know it's true, and if you didn't, you really missed out, he was super awkward after the 400 freestyle relay final. Like, on the medal stand, he didn't know where to go, he was acting all weird. It was priceless.

Oh! And, did you see how Phelps and Lochte were crackin' wise on the medal stand, like, seconds before they played the National Anthem the other day? I hope they were discussing the harmonies in the second stanza.

And then there's the juggernaut that I like to call "gymnastics."

I don't even know where to begin. So we'll start with: why in the world do the women get to do their floor routines to music? Let's review:

It's distracting to the other competitors, like Shawn Johnson last night, who was on balance beam, the hardest apparatus, in the middle of her routine, when someone else's ridiculous music started blasting through the National Indoor Stadium, and then what happened? She made a mental error a few moments later. I wonder why!

Their routines don't go with the music. Except for the dance moves and the poses that they do at the very end, which all look so adorable.

Most of the music selection is atrocious. Except for the Americans, whose music I would describe as "very mediocre." And I know that Yang Yilin had the music composed especially for her, and it's all touching, but come on. And--and I hope you all noticed this last night out in Readerland--the person, whom they naturally didn't show on camera and didn't even acknowledge because they weren't American, Chinese, Russian, or falling off the apparatus, who chose "Pirates of the Caribbean."

And, last but not least, the men don't get music. I know. I'm a pig.

We're apparently also going to end there, at least for now. But let me just add some parting shots:

Mary Carillo who always references the Great Wall of China in her opening to the Late Night broadcast sessions.

Mary Carillo totally feeling her biological clock ticking when "these kids"--i.e., the Olympicans--do anything touching or heartfelt. Which is a lot.

Two words. Bela Karolyi.

I'm watching it right now as I write this, and they're showing a replay of the women's gymnastics all-around final from last night, with live retroactive commentary from Elfie, Tim and that other guy. Because there aren't any other sports going on that we could watch right now.

Ephener of Mind

I Have Issues

I Am Not Making This Up

Only A Matter of Time

There is No Civility

"So, They Saw You Nekkid?"

What Is Up With...

Updat'd!

It Was Only a Matter of Time...

Gross

Commercials of the Olympics

Live-Blogging the Closing Ceremonies

Olympics: Day 17

Olympics: Day 14

Olympics: Day 13

Olympics: Day 12

Not Olympic-Related

Olympics: Day 11

Olympics: Day 10

Olympics: Day 9

Olympics: Day 5

Olympics: Day 3

Olympics: Day 2

Live-Blogging the Opening Ceremonies

Reunion Recap

Thank You!

Another Rant

I Don't Know How to Feel About This

Can We Discuss...

I Don't Work Here, Lady

Eye

Meta Vu

HP @ S & I

The Bean

Paula's Part-hey

Separated at Birth?

Weird

Historicity

Quickies

Harry Potter Recap

Humble Pie

Updat'd!

The Irony

Has Anyone Noticed...

Viva la Revolucion (AKA OMG, A Real Post!)

For Old Times' Sake

Here

[untitled]

Nothing Easy is Ever Simple

Commercials

The School Year is Winding Down

You Have to Watch This

I Am So Pumped that Stefan Didn't Win

I Hate This Kind of Weather

Oops

Phelps

Why Haven't I Posted?

I Don't Sleep Anyway

Only a Matter of Time

High Note Trumpet National Anthem

Interlude

Midwest Recap, Part 1

Marshmallows for Roasting

We're Still Experiencing Winter Wonderland Conditions

Snow Day

A Post on Thanksgiving?

Seldom Welcome

$1.99

I am not in need of music

I am in need of music

Mattress(less)ness

Cart'd!

For the Record

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Disturbation

This is How We...Don't?...Do It?

You Can't Do That [clap, clap, clap clap clap]

So, this is Wednesday, yet you *look* like Friday, from "The Addams Family"...

Slowing Things Down Here a Little

Feeling It

So, this is Wednesday, yet you look like Friday, from "The Addams Family"...