Another Rant

I don't know what I would do without that page that shows up when I sign out of my Yahoo! mail account. They always have something interesting to tell me, and yesterday it was about Michael Phelps and the World Cup in Sweden, and how he didn't make it out of the heats in three events, and he was even DQ'd on the 100 backstroke.

"Are you kidding?" you're saying, "He hasn't written a blog posting in two months, and this is what he wants to talk to us about?" In fact, yes. This whole Michael Phelps thing has become kind of a running gag, so it totally makes sense. But we digress.

So of course I had to read the article. They're wondering if it might have something to do with the fact that he didn't wear a high-tech suit to this meet (Answer? YES!). This, of course, is because, come the new year, FINA is banning the high-tech suits. Which I think is a good thing.

You can read about the story here, which is pretty entertaining in its own right because (at least for me) it involves 1) Michael Phelps and 2) ignominy. However, my favorite part about this particular story as published by Yahoo! sports is the picture they chose to lead it with. Sure, Michael looks ugly with that beard, yadda, yadda, yadda (P.S.-doesn't he know that one doesn't wear a beard to a meet? I suppose he knew that, since he wouldn't be wearing the hi-tech suit, he'd lose anyway--and he said so in a later interview--so it didn't matter if he shaved down for this meet or not). And sure, he looks oh so sad in the picture, as if he's thinking about this missed opportunity. But what's really great is that it's a picture of him with a kickboard. I also choose to believe that, since he only has one hand on the board and we can't see his other hand, he's pulling on the lane lines--i.e., cheating.

What I actually thought when I saw this was, "Why does he have a kickboard? Is this a picture of the implement relay?" In actuality he's probably warming up or cooling down--or this is a stock picture from some time when he was practicing, and pulling on the lane lines like a lazy, non-high-tech, non-shaving slacker. Besides, everyone knows that, with his huge "wingspan"--cf. Bob Costa's segment from the 2oo8 Olympics--it would be ridiculous to put him on the kickboard leg of that relay; much better would be to have him on the pull buoy leg.

Then I thought how cool it would be to have an implement relay. Like the medley or the freestyle relay, it would have four members, but each one would have to swim with a prop that is often used in practice:

• Kickboard
• Pull Buoy
• Flippers
• Those Paddle Things with the Gross Surgical Tubing that Attach to Your Hands

The problem here, of course, would be the order of the relay. The flippers and paddles aren't a problem, but it's near impossible to dive into the pool with a kickboard. So the kickboard would have to start, in the water, much like the backstroke starts the medley relay (right? I'd hate to publish something incorrect on the internet). However, it's also rather difficult to dive into the pool from the blocks with a pull buoy between one's legs, so this could pose some problems. I'm sure FINA could work it out, right after they're done figuring out what kinds of suits should be legal or illegal.

I Don't Know How to Feel About This

Well, the big news today was the sousaphone player who dotted the I in the script Ohio and knocked bells with the cameraman. You can watch for yourself, as if you haven't already seen it, here, both in real time and, at the end, in super slo-mo. And don't just skip to the super slo-mo, either. You have to endure the whole spelling of those four infernal letters in cursive marching band members.




Here are my issues with this:

1. In the interview he says that he's majoring in hospitality management? Okay.... But also, that he played trombone in HS and switched to sousa so that he could come to OSU and dot the I. Words fail me.

2. We are treated to watching the entire development of the script Ohio in this video. I've seen this drill a few times, and I'm always amazed at how slowly it develops. It takes a good almost 3 minutes for them to spell this thing. And the fans stand there and cheer for it for the whole time? And what is this music that they're playing? I can't even believe it.

3. This kid is intense. You can see it in the super slo-mo. He's drunk with power because of this I-dotting. You can see it in his eyes. Do you see what this does to people, OSUMB?? Also, and you can see this in the super slo-mo, right before the bow, he looks down right at the cameraman, first with just his eyes, and then with his whole head, as if to say, "you're about to eat bell." He totally knew he was going to hit that cameraman, and he also totally knew that this was his ticket out of sousaphone obscurity. I also blame you, ABC.

4. I don't uniformly hate it. I mean, okay, fine, it's good to give the sousaphones a chance to shine. And he gets to do that weird quasi-fast entry step with the drum major over to where he gets to dot the I, which I can't fault.

5. Here's my real problem, though: that this script Ohio got screen time. We can't get two seconds of NUMB doing the frickin' sculpted N, which I think is a much more visually effective element, and ABC shows three whole minutes of the slowest, most boring pregame drill since the Three-In-One? The only thing that made this good is that this insane sousaphone player, who otherwise would remain appropriately anonymous, almost took out a hapless cameraman who should've done his homework by watching some DCI shows and seeing how dangerous it really is to be on the field if you don't know what they're going to do, and even when you do, but who instead simply got too close for his own personal safety. I should send a nasty e-mail to ABC Sports, instead of just griping about it on this blog....


P.S., can we just talk about the Serena Williams meltdown? And how delicious it is?

Dear Serena:

You can't argue a foot fault. Why not? BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR OWN FEET WHEN YOU ARE SERVING. What's that you say? That you haven't had a single foot fault this whole year and now, at the U.S. Open, they're calling them left and right for you? Well, I'm sure it's because they're out to get you. Regardless, the next time you tell the lineswoman that you're going to shove that ball somewhere unpleasant, please make sure the mic isn't picking you up and broadcasting you to the whole entire world.

In conclusion, I love that this happened.

Sincerely,
Ephener of Mind

Can We Discuss...

...people who bring their instruments into the restroom with them? Being, as I am, a musician, I see this more than you might want to believe. I certainly see it more than I would want to believe. I was at a rehearsal just this past Saturday morning (granted, it was for a marching/pep band, but that doesn't really matter overmuch), and some trumpet player brought their instrument into the restroom with them.

Now look. I can understand not wanting to put your trumpet down on the ground outside the bathroom. The floor is dirty. And the instrument would be unsupervised--who knows what could happen? I, too, would be horrified if I came back from the wash room and my beloved (school-borrowed) trombone was either gone or had the slide horribly mangled. I understand.

However, the public restroom is--how can I say this?--indescribably gross, at least in my oh-so-humble opinion. Just the idea of taking a wind instrument into the room and having the air in there touch the mouthpiece and then having to put that mouthpiece up against my mouth. Never. And we're not even talking about putting the instrument down somewhere while you do your business. Barf me out.

Let's just hope he was only doing number one.

Also, I have to give a shout-out to my parents, who apparently read this blog! Who knew? Hi, Mom.

I Don't Work Here, Lady

So it's no use pretending that I'm out doing something that I enjoy this fine Saturday night in the middle of the summer by not posting something here. In fact I'm stuck at home, bored.

Today I went to Ikea to go furniture shopping, as I'll be moving soon and have to purchase some new furniture. I took a stenographer's notebook and a pencil with me so I could take notes on models, prices, dimensions, etc. I was wearing a black T-shirt and shorts. Sorry, Julia.

So, of course, while I was there, people came up to me to ask me if I worked there. Twice. Once, I was standing, waiting for the elevator, and someone walked up to me and asked me where the front of the store was. "Uh," I said. "Oh, you don't work here?" she said. "No," I said, "but I think the front of the store is that way."

Let's review.
1. Ikea employees wear a uniform, as do most employees of stores. At Ikea, it's a yellow polo shirt, very visible (I know, because when I was looking at kitchen tables and needed assistance, there were none within eyeshot) that says IKEA on it. I was wearing a black, very unstylish, T-shirt from Old Navy.
2. Shorts are, for the most part, not generally part of the dress code at most businesses that don't involve extensive work outside, work with plants or animals, or aren't Southwest Airlines. Ikea employees wear pants. I was wearing shorts, also from Old Navy.

This is starting to not be funny anymore, people. It's one thing when I accidentally wear a red polo shirt to Target and, as I walk in, wonder idly how many people will ask me if I work there (answer: generally between 1 and 3). It's another thing to go to Ikea wearing shorts and be asked for assistance.

Eye

Here's why I love going to the eye doctor; it's the same reason why I love going to any doctor: they lie to you. Here are two salient examples:

1. The dentist. When I was a kid, whenever I'd go to the dentist for anything that required anesthesia, they'd always tell me that they'd begin by "spraying" my gums with anesthetic. But it would always hurt, and this made me wonder why: if they're only spraying, why the pain? Answer: because they were sticking me, not spraying me. Needles hurt.

2. The eye doctor, whom I saw today. Saw; get it??? Anyway. When they test the pressure of the vitreous humor in your eye, they give you the eye drops that numb the eyeballs, remember? And then they shine that beautiful blue light into your eyes? Today, the doctor told me that said light would "look like" it was "getting very, very close" to my eyes. Which in fact it did! Very close: it touches your eye! That's why they numb the eyes in the first place.

I don't even need to discuss the oft-repeated line, "you may feel some discomfort." My mother, the doctor, often discusses how this line is often followed by the application of the "drug" Brutane (anesthetic drug names often end with the suffix -ane), which consists of having several male nurses hold the patient down. The wonders of modern medicine.

Meta Vu

Metadisturbationality? Close.

So, I'm having a major case of deja vu right now, and the weird part is, not only is it deja vu, but I feel as though the last time I was doing this, I was also having deja vu then. It's like we're stuck in an endless loop. And also, not only do I feel deja vu, but I know I was doing this once before, and that I was feeling deja vu then as well.

The, uh, crazy thing about this is that happens to me with some regularity. Welcome to my world.

HP @ S & I

Okay, so here's the recap of the Harry Potter exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry. First, getting there IS half the fun, esp. if you take the green line to Garfield and then the 55 bus to S & I. Good times had by all, esp. if there is a clique of African American teenage boys on the bus and then a clique of African American teenage girls, who don't know them, board.

But I digress. The exhibit is in a tent in front of the museum. Here were the highlights:

1. Accents. Everyone that we met who works for the exhibit spoke in a British accent. We immediately decided that they were fake, obvi, and that the people were from Indiana. But I secretly hope that they're really from England. That's like a slap in the face for them.
2. The sorting hat. I was in a group of three at the time that we were allowed to enter. That's right--they're timed tickets. So we go in and the guy standing there--in Hogwarts robes and a freaky British accent--decided to have all of us get sorted. This was accomplished by him asking us what house we thought we belonged in and why--and then magically--as if by magic--the sorting hat put us into that house. I was sorted into Hufflepuff because I couldn't bring myself to say I thought I belonged in Gryffindor or Slytherin. I guess that's the mark of a Hufflepuffer.
3. So, the actual exhibit was pretty interesting. They had a lot of props from the films, and they were cool to see.
4. There was some interaction. First, they had mandrakes. Which you are supposed to pull from the ground. So, most of the items have signs in front of them that say "Please Do Not Touch." The mandrakes have signs that say "Please Pull." This struck us as funny at the time. It's not funny now. I shouldn't have written it. Anyway, you pull the mandrakes up and they scream, of course, but as the woman standing there informed us, they're young mandrakes, so they won't kill you. Lucky for us. I wish they had supplied earmuffs, just like Professor Sprout. There were four or five mandrakes there, and we amused ourselves by pulling them all up at the same time.
5. Quidditch. There's a whole room for quidditch, that sport of kings. There's an interactive part where you get to try to throw quaffles through the goals. Every time one goes through, it makes a sound. We must have stood there shooting quaffles for at least 5 to 10 minutes. Mine always got stuck at the bottom of the goal post, which was very sad. But it didn't keep us from doing this for 10 minutes.
6. They had costumes there, including Hagrid's. Actually, they recreated Hagrid's hut, including a chair that was enormous and that you could sit in. But they had his costume there, and it was giant-sized. Except, wait a minute. I'm pretty sure that Robbie Coltrane is a normal-sized human being; according to imdb he's 6'1". Nevertheless, they apparently flew in Hagrid's actual clothes from England for this exhibit.
7. Lucius Malfoy has the best clothes. They had a costume of his, and it was pretty fierce. I'm not going to lie.
8. The gift shop, which was pretty out of control. Natch, they had a bunch of overpriced merchandise. I came home with a magnet that has Track 9 3/4 on it, but I was really hoping for a life-sized replica of Neville's Mimbulus Mimbletonia*. You think I'm kidding. This they did not have, but they did have a collection of wands, a set of expensive but very creepy figurines of characters such as assorted Weasleys, Lupin, and so forth, as well as stuffed plush copies of the Monster Book of Monsters which, if you pulled the tongue (which was of course hanging out of the book), would growl/purr at you.

In conclusion, a good time was had by all.

*They did have the prop for this in the exhibit, though.